Note to Self

Why Retail Rules

2011-07-26T00:21:00.006-04:00

So as many of you already know, I work in retail. I was promoted this past year to an Assistant Manager position in a kid's retail store. What many of you also know is that I have an MBA that may or may not be going to waste (my vote is "not"). What you may not know about is the general attitude the public has toward retail workers in general.

This is that: 1 - since we work in retail, obviously we could not hack it in the "real world" and had to settle for such a lowly job; 2 - that we must be uneducated since, yet again, this is the only job we could get; and 3 - we must be on an intellectual level somewhere between a country hillbilly with two first names and a wide-eyed, blonde college freshman whose biggest dilemma is which frat party to attend first. And yes, therefore, this was the only job that didn't involve too much "brain thinkun" or the use of heavy machinery that we could fall into.

Yeah, that definitely describes me.

Me. One first name. 3 diplomas with honors notations. Blonde by choice. Can insult you and you won't realize it for a few days. My whole being reeks of awesomeness. I work in retail. And there are many others like me.

I have had peers from school, old friends, distant family, and even professors from college who run into me and ask what I'm doing now. When I mention retail they immediately avoid eye contact, as if to ease the shame I should be going through for having to mention such a tragic turn in my life. Then when I tell them I have been doing it for several years by choice, I almost always get the same reaction - "Don't you have a master's degree?" they ask, with a look of incredulity. "Why, yes!" I retort, excitedly. "My diploma makes lovely wall art! I mean it did cost me $20 thousand dollars, and I am hoping to pay off the loan for it just before my kids go to college!"

This is the part where they stare at me in shock with a look of ~~constipation~~ consternation. When they finally realize I will not avert my eyes in shame, they give up and slink away to find some other kid's dreams to crap on. (See how I did that? Two poop jokes in one paragraph! My degree did pay off!)

So here, dear blog friends, I will educate you on why a retail job (or at least my job) is awesome. I give you...

The Tops 10 Reasons Why Retail Rules:
(10) It is probably one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. But unlike policing or gator wrangling, you can make plenty of money at it to make up for all the lack of thanks. Because despite what you may think, I would much rather be handed a check than be thrown a parade.
(9) It is one of the best first jobs anyone can have. Bring me your teenagers, and I will teach them what it's like to have to clean up after other people. They will also gain confidence, sense of self, and the patience to deal with stupid people.
(8) Who doesn't like a ridiculously awesome discount? I get clothes for practically free. Suck on that, white collar job. I don't pay $200 for my work clothes. And speaking of clothes...
(7) Who doesn't like to wear comfortable clothes to work? No awful uniforms. No ties, skirts, pantyhose, blazers, or high heels. Jeans, a t-shirt, and flip flops will suffice. Am I going to work or is it my day off? Who knows! Sometimes even I can't tell!
(6) You become a freaking pro at folding clothes. Seriously. In twenty minutes, I can have over 600 units looking neat and pretty in 42 different stacks. The only downside is that at home you will want to hang every piece of clothing you own to avoid folding laundry.
(5) The schedule can be amazing. Sure, nobody likes to work on the weekends when all your friends are off work, but having a random Tuesday off has got to be the best invention ever. No annoying kids at the movies, no obnoxious teens at the mall, and no lines at the grocery store.
(4) You know the tricks of the trade. Like: who honors expired or missing coupons (or coupons that just plain don't exist in this dimension), who has the best sales going on, and which cookie place is going to finagle me a free cookie if I mention where I work and am really sweet and nice to them.
(3) Retail is like a giant brotherhood. Working in retail can find you in the presence of some of the best friends and colleagues you will ever have. Kind of like being in the Army and serving together - if the enemy were the customer and you were fighting for control of the t-shirt table (later to be dubbed Mount Graphic Tee as it begins looking like a giant pile of clothes). And if you're really nice to your retail neighbors, they will even spot you some paper towels if yours mysteriously go missing.
(2) You get the altruistic satisfaction of knowing that you are selling someone something they probably really do need. And if you do a good job, you get the pride of knowing they will continue to come back to you (even if sometimes you wish they wouldn't).

And the #1 reason retail rules?
(1) Headsets. We use them to ask the person hiding in the stockroom if we have that shirt in that size you need. We also use them to talk to each other about that ugly-ass dress you're wearing.

"Have a nice day, come back and see us!"

Note to Self: We also use our headsets to warn each other of shoplifters, do price checks, and discuss how we would beat the crap out of your screaming kid if he were ours.

Independence Day

2011-07-04T10:34:00.003-04:00

Have you missed my Top 10 Lists?
Well, here is my Top 10 List for what the Fourth of July means to me:

(10) Many women wearing star-spangled bikinis, the majority of which should not wear bikinis to begin with.
(9) A ridiculous amount of red, white, and blue images and paraphernalia. See example above.
(8) Children all over America complaining about the burnt state of their hot dog, while their mother replies "You better eat it, there are starving children in China." Then let them eat it mom, sheesh.
(7) Beer. Lots of beer.
(6) The use of the hashtag #suckitalqaeda on my Twitter feed.
(5) Some guy somewhere coming this close to blowing off a finger or two due to fireworks.
(4) More beer and a missing appendage.
(3) Facebook statuses and mass texts designed to make sure you in fact know that it's the Fourth of July and to remind you of why you should be grateful today... because of numbers 1-7, of course.
(2) More prayers going up for our armed forces. And more prayers for our police officers because of the general stupidity they will encounter on this day due to number 4.

And the number one thing the Fourth means to me is....
(1) The sacrifice of many lives so that I can write this blog however I damn well please, and so I don't have to wear a burqa when it's freaking 100 degrees with 500% humidity...

Happy Fourth bloggers!
Note to Self: Now on to the grilling, minus the charred black part.

Slap-A-Moron Day Instructions

2011-07-01T07:47:00.002-04:00

Here is a handy-dandy guide to tell if someone deserves to be slapped.

Instructions: To score for your slapee, simply circle the moronic infringements and add up their total Moronic Value (MV). It is recommended that you add up your total MV before the holiday on July 1st. That way you will have an adequate defense (or not) against someone who slaps you.

People
+8 if you are the President
+7 if you are Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton
+6 if you are Charlie Sheen or Amy Winehouse
+5 if you are some other, equally moronic celebrity

Society
+2 if you have ever bragged about “sticking it to the man”
+1 if you have ever sold your food stamps for cash
+3 if you have a big screen tv, but your child sleeps on the floor
+2 if you own a car that is more expensive than your government housing
+5 if you have ever said the words “they owe me!” in reference to “the man”
+4 if every time you are pregnant, DFaCS calls you to draw up the paperwork

Work
+1 if you have ever uttered the words “that’s not my job”
-1 if you have ever done something to help a coworker that really wasn’t your job
+1 if you play office pranks on the boss, and he/she doesn’t laugh
+2 if you have ever been fired from a job for stealing
+1 if you constantly complain about your job, but aren’t looking for another one
+2 if you have ever thought partying during the week and then going to work hung-over was a good idea
+4 if you believe you are an expert in your field, but you are paid less than $40,000 a year

Home
+1 if you have ever used a mixer and turned it up too fast so that stuff goes flying everywhere
+2 if you have ever used a blender without the top on
+3 if you don’t wash your sheets at least once a month
+2 if you don’t vacuum at least once a month
-1 if you have actually ever cleaned your windows
+1 if you have ever placed tinfoil in a microwave
+2 if you have ever placed tinfoil in a microwave more than once
-1 if you know how to use a washer, dryer, and dishwasher
+1 if you have ever left the next bathroom user without toilet paper
+1 if you have ever left anything less than one cup worth of milk/juice in the container in the fridge

Driving
+1 if you have ever driven while talking on a cell phone or texting
+2 if you have ever gotten into an accident while on a cell phone
+1 if your car gets less than 10 miles to the gallon
+1 if you have ever been in the fast lane and uttered “I am going fast enough!” regarding the people tailgating you
+1 if you have ever drank and drove
+3 if you knew you were too drunk and drove anyway
-1 if you have offered to drive a friend home when they were drunk
-2 if you have ever fought the keys away from a drunk person so they wouldn’t drive

Kids (Those of you without your own progeny can skip this section)
+1 if you have one (+1 point for each child)
-1 if you discipline your child when they do wrong (-1 point for each child)
+1 if you have ever given in to something your child wanted because they threw a fit
-1 if you have ever given in to something your child wanted because they were good and asked nicely
+3 if you have ever simply allowed your child to scream in a restaurant/church/other public place
-2 if you understand the weight of the threat of “Do you want to go to the bathroom/outside/to the car?”
+1 if you have had to say “Don’t make me turn this car around/stop this car/come back there!”
-1 if you have, in fact, turned the car around/stopped the car/came back there
+3 if you have ever not strapped a child into a car properly
+1 if you think it’s a good idea to allow your 12-year-old to go clubbing
+1 if you think it’s okay to buy your teenager beer because you will be able to “supervise” them
+1 if you have ever allowed being a cool parent outweigh being a good parent

Language
+2 if you have ever actually talked in leet speak (Ex. OMG, WTF, BFF, I has a…)
+2 if you simply don’t know the difference between their, they’re, and there
+1 if you don’t understand the difference between good and well
-1 if you always use good and well correctly
+1 if you have ever claimed to know something when you didn’t
-1 if you can use the words “I have no idea” without always feeling stupid about it
+1 if you use the word “like” in every other sentence
+1 if you say “I heart you” more than “I love you”
+2 if you are white, but consistently use white terms, like “fo shizzle”
+1 if you have ever used the phrase “fixin’ to” instead of “about to”

Pets
+1 if you have a pet (+1 for each pet)
-1 if you at least make a good attempt at training them (-1 for each pet)
+1 if you dress them up
+2 if you dress them with colors or outfits that denote a different gender than what your pet is (such as a male with a pink collar or in a “cute wittle dress”)
+2 if you have their nails painted
-2 if you take them to the vet at least once a year
-1 if they are neutered
+1 if you don’t pick up after your dog
+2 if you have a medium to large dog and still don’t pick up after them
+3 if you encourage your dog to poop in other people’s yards

Body
+2 if you have ever had a tattoo that once had a name on it, but then it had to be covered up later
+2 if you have ever had your thong showing above the top of your pants somewhere other than at home
+1 if you don’t regularly wear your seatbelt
-1 if you are known as the “seatbelt nazi”
+1 if your hair has ever been anything but a natural color (the only exception is if it was for costume use, such as a play or Halloween)
+1 if you don’t at least pretend to put on sunscreen at the beach
+2 if you complain about being overweight while eating something
-2 if you complain about being overweight while exercising
+2 if you have ever worn something revealing in public that you knew you shouldn’t have

Anything less than 20 is in the slap free range. Anything in the 20-40 range is punishable by one slap. Any score above 40 is subject to two slaps.

Note to Self: I do not believe all pet owners or parents are morons simply for having them. I am simply stating that parents or owners who leave their children or pets to their own devices are, in fact, morons. This is why there are the deductions for proper training under each.

Happy Slap-A-Moron Day!

2011-07-01T07:28:00.002-04:00

Good morning! And welcome to the 4th annual Slap-A-Moron Day extravaganza!
Some notes for the holiday (beware the twisted use of the word "moron"):

In Preparation
Do make a list of people of people you would like to slap. Make sure to start the list with people you would most like to slap and work your way down. That way you will get to the most important ones in case you run out of time or energy for slapping.
Don’t plan to slap people who may have a huge weight in your future life or financial interest.

Proper Attire
Do wear gloves, slap bracelets, or simply have bare hands.
Don’t wear brass knuckles, armor, boxing gloves, or any other attire that may be harmful to the slapee.

During Slapping
Do slap the face, arms, or other gender neutral zones. It is recommended to give a slap on the hand or wrist for young children.
Don’t slap more than once. The only exceptions are if the person has a rather high level of moronicity – in which case, two slaps can be administered – or if the person avoids the first slap on purpose by running away – this automatically raises their one slap correction to two.

Proper Slapping Technique
Do slap open-handed, palm facing toward slapee. While facing the slapee, use one swift movement of the hand and arm to administer palm-to-face therapy.
Don’t backhand, kick, punch, bite, or use any other technique for removing moron-ness other than the approved open-handed palm therapy as described above. Surprise slap therapy will not be tolerated.

After Administering Slap Therapy
Do tell your “patient” why they were slapped. Encourage them by telling them that the physical pain is for their own good. Remind them that further acts of moronicity will be followed by further therapy.
Don’t slap someone and then run away like a sissy girl without explaining yourself to the slapee.

Note to the Slapee
Do recognize that you have the right to slap the slapper back, if in fact they have exhibiting moronic behavior as well. Recognize that the slapper is doing you a favor by administering this therapy and that it is for your own good.
Don’t simply slap the slapper back. Do not plan revenge on the slapper. Should you feel you were slapped for no reason, explain to the slapper why you feel this way. Should they have no reasonable explanation for why they slapped you, you reserve the right to slap the slapper twice in return – one time for retribution, and one time for them exhibiting moronic behavior for slapping you without proper reason.

Other
Do have first aid available in case of any accidental injuries
Don't slap as hard as you can in order to injure someone.

Do have fun. It only lasts for one day, so make every slap count!
Don’t take any of this seriously.

Make sure to check out the historic beginnings of Slap-A-Moron Day, post your slapping conquests in the comments, and try not to do anything to get slapped!

Happy Slapping!

Note to Self: Keep in mind that you may be a "patient" for someone else, or even for yourself. Should you become aware that you have exhibited moronic behavior, give yourself a swift slap across the face to initiate your own behavioral correction.

Note to Idiot

2011-06-26T07:40:00.000-04:00

Dear "husky" girl,

See, my husband was nice enough to call you "husky" instead of "giant tub of whale lard". Although apparently that girl walking behind you out of the bar was rude enough to refer to your sea-mammal-like features, because you bitch-slapped her hard enough to actually knock her down. Don't get me wrong - she deserved it - but it probably wasn't smart to do it in front of a bunch of cops. For that, you got your very own note on my blog.

Now put the beer down and switch to water.
And please never wear a tube-top again.
Much appreciated,
MJ

Note to Self: Also, no low-cut tops, short skirts, or anything with the word Spandex on the label. Thanks.

Cynicism

2011-06-25T20:57:00.008-04:00

So not a whole lot has changed in the past year, except the cop and I both have gotten promoted since my "solongfarewell" blog post.

For me, this means that I get the blessing of higher pay, benefits, and a 45 minute commute. For the cop, it means he got new patches and brass pins for his shirt, more people call him "sir," and he deals with "customer" complaints regarding his underlings. Oh and he also got what most of us with half a brain would call a swift punch in the gut, but which police departments mistakenly named a "raise". Huh.
Starting to understand the title of this blog post?

Yes, dear blog friends, I have become quite a cynical being. I think I felt it during the end of my last tenure here, and this is what made me feel that I had come to the end of my writing days. For certainly the old adage - if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all - applied in this scenario. I guess it just took me about a year to realize I needed a good outlet for this ugliness so that it wouldn't spill over into my everyday attitude. And also the fact that.... well... it's my freaking blog, and I can write what I want, so there.

So, no, I will never go back to my five posts a day like in the beginning. Unlike then, I in fact like my job. And while the everyday nonsense it is prone to present is precious blog fodder, I don't feel the need to waste time here instead of actually working. But hopefully the posts I do present to you will enlighten you to the life of MJ and her piggy hubby and that you will find some connection (or not) and have an emotional upheaval of sorts (or not). All I ask is that you keep me on my toes, kids. And put up with me calling you all "kids". It's kinda my thing.

And an FYI: The ultimate cynic's holiday is coming soon! I will be reviving Slap A Moron Day for your slapping pleasure on July 1st, 2012! TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

Note to Self: The next post will be the ultimate cynical piece of writing, in the classic style of Note to Self. Can you handle it?! Maybe.

As Time Goes By...

2011-06-12T22:24:00.014-04:00

A whole lot has happened since my last post here at "Note to Self," so here is a nice updated profile for my long-lost blog buddies as well as any newcomers who may drift by. (To see my old profile from when I first started, look here.)

I am driven back to blogging by the strange call of the blogging world. Among these posts, you will find knowledge often beyond your understanding - mostly because I made it up, and I'm probably a little insane. In fact, I'm pretty sure I need medication. And if you find yourself nodding endlessly to my ramblings, you probably need medication too.

I am still short and sweet, only maybe I have lost some of the sweet in the past year.

Armed with an MBA, I work tirelessly as an assistant manager in retail, and I love every freaking minute of it. (Mostly because it provides me with so much good material.)

I am still hopelessly devoted to a man with a badge and a gun, only now I get to call him "Sarge" when he ticks me off.

I still own tons of shoes, but most of them are now flats instead of heels. I also still have my trusty .38 detective special.

My one fuzzy baby somehow turned into 3 hairy teenagers. Panther, the 4 .lb Yorkie, is joined by Bear, the 90 .lb German Shepherd, and Maya, the most loving (and needy) lab mix we will ever rescue. As a unit, they are known as "the kids" or "El Destructo".

And as always, I still don't care if you don't like what I have to say. If I upset you, don't go away mad... just go away. Debate is encouraged here. Anything beyond that, and you will be labeled properly with either "troll" or "bored middle school child".

Note to Self: Glad to be back...
♪♪♪
My revolver has a first name, it's B-E-S-S-Y.
My revolver has a second name, it's C-O-L-T-Y.
I keep her with me every day,
And if you ask me "why?" I'll saaaaaaaaay...
'Cause Bessy sure does have a way of keeping me safe every day.
♪♪♪

Back By Popular Demand

2011-06-10T19:53:00.003-04:00

I have thought about it, thought about it, and thought about it some more. I have agonized over it, conversed with friends about it, sought the guidance of an attorney, had my palms read, and even asked dear Panther what he thought (Side note: He hates anything that takes attention away from him.). All signs point to a revival of Note to Self, and I don't mean the fire-and-brimstone church kind of revival. I guess it would be more like a paramedic trying to resuscitate a person after they fell 50 feet from the top of a roof onto the hard gravel-y ground below... if that pretty-much-dead body had been laying there for almost a year.

Ahhh, but here I am, blowing into the mouth of my stinky, cold blog and pumping its chest with reckless abandon, all the while screaming, "LIVE, DAMMIT, LIVE!"

Now to go out and find all my blogosphere friends that I abandoned so long ago. I hope you are all still out there.

Note to Self: Did you miss me?

This is not goodbye...

2010-08-07T12:26:00.005-04:00

Alright, alright. I'm letting it die.

Dear blogfriends,

While I have enjoyed these few years with you, hopefully entertaining you some of the time, it is time. It is time to let my blog go. While I have tried to hang on to some semblance of writing here, I just can't afford the time it takes to truly commit to this blog what it deserves.

So as I sign off, I want to thank my loyal readers who have stuck by me so long. You have laughed and cried with me. You have blog-a-thon-ed with me and donated. You have listened to me rant and rave. You have debated and agreed with me. You have read and responded. It has meant a lot to me, and I will miss you. I will stick around the blogosphere, however, visiting my blog roll whenever possible to keep up with you.

I have taken up an account at Twitter should you like to follow my shorter version of my blog, @mjnotetoself. Perhaps I should see this as a blessing. It is a blessing to have loved something so much that it makes it hard to let it go.

...just until we meet again.

MJ

Note to Self: May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home. May good and faithful friends be yours, wherever you may roam. May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures. May all life's passing seasons bring the best to you and yours!

Beer, Hotdogs, and Exploding Things

2010-07-04T18:33:00.005-04:00

Y'all have a safe weekend and take a few seconds to remember why we celebrate Independence Day.

Note to Self: And try to make it through to Monday with all appendages attached.

Happy Birthday To Me...

2010-06-27T12:38:00.005-04:00

Y'all (as we say in the South),

Turning 25 is such an interesting feeling. It's not particularly a noteworthy age, other than the fact that I can now rent a car and hopefully my car insurance will go down (thanks to my sister-in-law for reminding me of that positive note...).

While, this year's anniversary of my birth is not particularly a hullabaloo in itself (the cop is on patrol today, and most of my friends, I suppose, are occupied elsewhere), it is a nice day to simply be still and reflect on how far I have come and how much I have learned over the years.

While I don't consider myself a super-successful business woman by any means, I am quite over-educated AND I have a job, which has to count for something. I have managed to keep my weight down in the past decade, as well as learned to love my body (not an easy goal to reach). And while I haven't necessarily held onto my skills as a dancer (although pirouettes still come naturally), I am thankful that I managed to retain the strength and grace of one.

I have overcome many fears, including heights, being alone, and spiders. I have found that I don't need other people to make me happy, but that it doesn't hurt to have a nice companion on life's journey. While my husband is my best friend, there is also nothing like an non-opinionated canine to love you unconditionally too.

I own and can shoot a revolver, I can sew buttons and hems, I can bake like no one's business, and I can drive like a bat out of hell (safely, of course). I'm no stranger to HTML and aperture settings, and I can run in a pair of high heels. I've learned to love coffee and beer, both in moderation, and not necessarily at the same time.

I'm slightly addicted to Facebook and watching Glee on Hulu as time allows, but I love a good sunset and a glass of wine, especially when it's shared with someone else. I've found there is nothing like the feeling of kayaking over swift rapids; or the feeling of a new pair of jeans; or even the feeling of a cold puppy nose waking you up in the morning.

People I have met or known have overwhelmingly changed me for the better. Through friendship, teaching me to live; through deception, teaching me to be discerning; through love, teaching me to love; through hardship, teaching me to persevere; through support, teaching me to be strong; through hurt, teaching me to forgive; through God, teaching me to be humble; through loss, teaching me to let go; through the worst, teaching me to appreciate the best.

I can scrapbook my entire life in photos. But the best memories I have cannot be described in pixels or words. They are made up of ideas, laughter, and warm fuzzy feelings that are permanently etched into who I am - events and people who added so much more to me than I could ever give in return. Even memories of mistakes, sadness, and hurt cannot overshadow the good and eventually fade into oblivion as I age and my brain makes room for more good to come.

Here's to the journey to 26,
MJ

A.D.O.S.

2010-06-21T14:18:00.005-04:00

That is, Attention Deficit.. Oh, Shiny!

That's me. I have always been the skeptic when it came to Attention Deficit Disorder, thinking that such a lack of focus was more attributed to a lack of discipline and motivation than a serious problem.

Just in the last year, however, I have been finding myself more and more distracted, unable to focus on one thing at a time, and simply frustrated. My frustration led to me not only leaving projects incomplete, but rarely even starting them at all, knowing the outcome would be ultimately failure to complete it.

This affected a lot of the things in my life - work, relationships, home projects, and even my writing. Something as simple as finishing the laundry would take me days rather than hours, because I wouldn't be able to focus long enough to finish.

I also had serious trouble with multi-tasking. If I started something, it took all my effort to complete it right then. If I should leave something undone to work on something else, I would never return to the first project. And if I was having to focus on one specific task, I had to ignore everything else. I might not even remember full conversations if I was trying to focus on a task at the same time.

My frustration with these problems led me to be more emotional than I knew was healthy. The smallest setback would ultimately lead me to tears or outrage. Absolutely something had to give.

After quite a few conversations with friends and family, I talked to my doctor about my problems. She prescribed me Adderall. Within the first week, I could tell the difference. I felt like a fog had been lifted from my brain, like I was finally awake after long sleep.

I have completed a long list of To-Dos in just the past few weeks that have been there for months. I feel motivated and ultimately successful at the end of the day. I have had to prioritize my goals, starting with the ones at home, moving to work, and then ultimately to everything else.

I feel better about writing. I can sit down and do it. Just let me whittle down my To Dos, and I will get back here. Are you still there?

Note to Self: There are days I feel the need to put my blog out of its misery, but I won't give up just yet!

NPWA Silent Auction

2010-06-11T15:29:00.009-04:00

Starting this Monday, June 14, the National Police Wives Association will be hosting a Silent Auction to benefit one of our members and her family. Her husband was recently shot in the line of duty, but he is expected to make a full recovery. This is every police wife's nightmare, but it is a reality we simply live with every day.

You can find out more about the silent auction on the NPWA Blog at www.npwablog.blogspot.com. A giant "THANK YOU" to Helen from Random Bits (also a fellow NPWA member) for putting together this auction.

All auction items were donated by NPWA members and include everything from hand knit baby booties to DVD box sets. Even I haven't seen the list of all the items yet, but I'm sure they will be awesome! Feel free to pass on this auction information to everyone you know as well!

Note to Self: To learn more about NPWA, go to www.nationalpolicewivesassociation.org.

O.M.G.

2010-06-11T15:23:00.003-04:00

Okay first of all, I hate the use of "oh-em-gee" as an exclamation, but I find myself using it more and more online - possibly because it's just so darn easy to use. Short and simple and gets the point across. When I hear it actually come out of a teenagers mouth, however, I generally feel the need to slap them... for their own good, you understand.

I use it today to mark the myriad of events I have failed to chronicle in the last few weeks. I mean, May just completely disappeared, and June seems to be getting pulled right out from under my feet!

I have missed the BP oil spill, the flooding in Nashville, and I have barely commented on healthcare this year or any other of Obama's bright ideas. *sigh* Falling down on the job, I guess. But you already knew that, dear followers.

Note to Self: As usual, I will promise to write more often and keep you informed on the awesome(ly boring) goings-on of my simple life.

A Star is Born

2010-04-21T14:40:00.004-04:00

Did I tell you about the time that Panther was a big star?

NO? What a shame. OK, here goes:

A while back, my friend Colby approached me with an interesting proposition. She was helping to choreograph a production of The Wizard of Oz... and they seriously needed a Toto. While, yes, the original Toto was a Cairn Terrier, Cairns are much larger and heavier than anything you would ever want to have to carry around in a basket for three hours. And considering stage actors don't have the privilege of "taking five" between scenes like screen actors, they opted to try to find a much lighter canine for the job.

Enter Panther - the five pound Yorkie with dreams of stardom and the personality of a diva. Colby ferried him back and forth to rehearsals and worked as his acting coach, trainer, and agent simultaneously. After smoothing out some logistical concerns, we grew his hair out a bit, and he took up a little more space on the stage than he otherwise would have.

A few hotdogs, pictures, and "awwww"s later, and we had a hit on our hands. The only challenge was figuring out how to keep the "munchkins" from wanting to pet him all the time. After a couple nights in the spotlight, Toto returned to just being good ol' Panther... although his ego had been turned up quite a bit.

Note to Self: Even at a mere five pounds, Dorothy's arm was ready to fall off at the end of each performance from carrying Panther around for hours. Now she knows how I feel when I take him shopping.

National Police Wives Association

2010-04-13T10:58:00.005-04:00

NPWA has a new blog! I moved it over to npwablog.blogspot.com. I hope you will run over there every now and then and check out the awesome things going on with NPWA, or even become a follower. I put a handy-dandy new link over in my sidebar for easy access. >>>

Police Week is coming up in the month of May, so I'm challenging my readers to find a way to thank their local law enforcement for all they do. Being a police wife, I see first hand what a thankless job it can be. A simple note of "thanks" makes a huge difference in the self-esteem of our officers.

Or, you can simply donate to or shop at a police related organization. Here are a few:

The National Law Enforcement Officer's Memorial Fund: www.nleomf.org
Concerns of Police Survivors: www.nationalcops.org
The National Police Wives Association: www.nationalpolicewivesassociation.org
Cops Alive: www.copsalive.com

Note to Self: Personally, I will be supporting my local law enforcement by feeding them. Menu coming soon....

Hoppy Bunny Day!

2010-04-04T07:56:00.000-04:00

Hope you get lots of chocolate in your basket!

(Or whatever it is that you're into...)

Note to Self: Personally, I would like some stilettos in my basket...

Priorities

2010-03-26T00:37:00.000-04:00

Here's another great photo capture by the cop. And yes, he recognized it as an old patrol car from his department.

He titled this photo "Where Police Cars Go to Die"

Note to Self: Notice the crappy apartments in the background. But he has a custom paint job AND rims!

Anti-Funeral

2010-03-25T11:05:00.003-04:00

Have I ever told you how much I hate funerals? And I don't just mean that I dislike them - I assume most people don't like them, considering the subject matter - but I actually HATE them.

I went to a visitation last night, for the mother of a very good high school friend. The woman who had died had a lifelong battle with breast cancer. She was a kind, generous woman. One of those moms who was a second "mom" to a lot of kids, including me. So, it was heart-wrenching to see her lying there in an open casket (what is the POINT of these things???), and I had a hard time knowing what to say to the family, to my old friend.

All the cliche things come to mind - "Oh, she looks so good!" "She's not hurting anymore." "She's singing with the angels/hanging out with Jesus now!" But really, none of these phrases mean anything. And seriously, who wants to comment on the physical state of a corpse?No. I have real hurt for this family. I just said I had been thinking about them and to "hang in there." Just about the time I started tearing up was when I knew it was time to leave. Why add more tears to a family's suffering? I know if it were my mother, I wouldn't want a bunch of teary-eyed outsiders getting me all soggy and making me even more upset than I already am.

Besides, death makes me extremely uncomfortable. Like maybe they should write a book of etiquette for funerals and visitations - perhaps, a book of comforting sayings for the family of the deceased and the Dos and Don'ts of funeral attire. Seriously, are we supposed to wear black or not? And every time I see someone in jeans or overalls, I want to find their mother and slap them for not teaching them better. Even here in the South, we know to wear our church-going clothes to honor the dead.

I guess none of us really likes to be reminded of our mortality, or of the shortness of our visit here on earth. We don't like to see that our parents are beginning to look and act a lot like our grandparents were when we were younger. I think I like to live with the least amount of these reminders. Maybe that makes me a cynic, or maybe that makes me more human.

I'm not sure.

Note to Self: It probably doesn't help that the cop wants "Another One Bites the Dust" played at his funeral. Either that's really really funny, or really sacrilegious.

New Kid in Town

2010-03-04T21:11:00.007-05:00

Ok. I'm finally getting around to posting this.

Remember Brendel? Our Mastiff mix? We had to put him down back in November. He fought hypothyroidism his whole life, and eventually his kidneys and liver failed, and we thought he should suffer no more. For the cop, it was a sad, sad day. For me, more of an outsider, it was easy to say "well at least he is no longer suffering." But the cop lost a friend that day, and he will be greatly missed.

On to the new kid. I'm amazed at how time has flown by. It all started with some discussion about the cop wanting a German Shepherd, fitting for his profession I suppose. We search around, discussed it some more, found some leads, discussed again, and we finally settled on a litter of pups bred from two former K-9 Shepherds. By the time we had called, all had been spoken for but two. We picked the last male and the cop went to pick him up sometime around the middle of December.

I didn't get to lay eyes on the dog until the day my hubby brought him home. And this is what was introduced to me:

BEAR. About the size of a five pound ham with legs.

Looks can definitely be deceiving. Don't let him suck you in with his fluffy puppy cuteness. He's five months old as I write this post. And he looks like this:

He's huge. Like, takes-up-an-entire-loveseat huge. At five months. Yeah, you do the math.

He and Panther get along really well though and they play a lot. While I don't miss tripping over big ol' Brendel in the dark, I certainly miss his calmness. Where Panther is a little ball of energy, Bear is a friggin' juggernaut that can't be stopped once he's started.

Ahhh puppy love.

Note to Self: Bear is also finding his voice these days. One that would cause any late-night intruder to wet himself.

Universal Aloneness?

2010-02-18T11:00:00.005-05:00

This is one huge universe. One we have never, nor will we ever, see the edge of. Considering planets and stars are like islands in the ocean, creating and destroying themselves regularly, the universe has a basic infinity.

So here we are, a tiny speck on creation. I find it hard to believe that we are alone. Perhaps we are simply far away from other sentient life forms, or perhaps we are a part of some giant Truman Show type drama.

I imagine a life form that has discovered the insanity of bureaucracy, the value of unhindered technological progress, and (hopefully) a distaste for rap music.

I also imagine they visit us. And probably laugh at us. In fact, I imagine we are just an s-curve on the "Ride of Stupidity" at their Universal Theme Park, right after Pluto, the cold non-planet. Like some giant version of our Space Mountain.

Perhaps instead of being awed or dumbfounded by seeing UFOs, we should flick them off instead. Assholes.

Note to Self: And maybe they have enacted a real fashion police and destroyed Wal-Marts everywhere. Please take me with you!

Note to God

2010-02-07T08:40:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Is your introduction of screaming children and complacent parents supposed to be a sign to me? Because I will give up my uterus right now, for real.

Just wondering,
MJ

Note to Self: For real.

Note to Idiots

2010-02-04T18:36:00.002-05:00

Dear SUV driver,

I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but you drive something akin to a small tank. Please do not slow down to three miles per hour to roll over a pot hole or speed bump. If my little Honda can handle it, I think your mini-bus can too. So, unless you are delivering eggs or custom cakes, please do us all a favor and GO.

Thank you,
MJ

Note to Self: Oh, and screw you very much for making me late to work yesterday. I mean, did you really have to slow down and swerve around every little flaw in the road?

Joe

2010-02-02T10:17:00.000-05:00

Well it started out as an ordinary patrol day. Who knew it would turn into such a shitty one.

The mixture of dirt and blood on my hands and chest was enough to make even me cringe. So, that explained all the strange looks I was receiving from everyone around me. I hadn't tried to scrub it off. I had a feeling of not wanting to mixed with the thought that it might not really come off if I tried. And it's not like I had even had a chance to change out of my uniform.

Wendy had gotten the call, but the dispatchers made sure I was clear on the call too - accident with injuries. Wendy. My wife hates her, but she is like a younger, slutty sister to me. If there is such a thing. Like one of the guys, only with boobs.

Dispatch was also nice enough to let me know that the license plate numerics came up with my name in the database. I hauled ass to the scene to find my wife's Honda Civic completely crushed by an old Chevy Blazer, which was clearly in the wrong lane. They already had the driver in handcuffs and were pushing him into a DUI unit's squad car.

I ran to check on my wife, who was already being loaded onto a stretcher. She was unconscious, but breathing. Alex. My son. Where was he? I stared at the crushed rear passenger door. Not even thinking, I started walking toward the car. From out of nowhere, Wendy tackled me to the ground. I burst into tears in understanding, but from my fear and sadness came something else.

Anger. Tears burning my eyes, I slowly rose and shrugged off Wendy's hold on me. Before anyone could stop me, I sprinted toward the man who had just torn my life apart. Simultaneously shoving the DUI officer away and pouncing on the man I know as Satan himself, I managed to push the drunk to the ground before me, landed on him, and began wailing on him as if he were reaching for my gun. I got a few good hits in before being wrestled away. I heard the officer ask the asshole, "Well Maxton, got what you deserved there, didn't ya?" Good ol' Maxton deserved much worse.

Wendy drove me to the hospital. Most of the time between the scene and the waiting room was a complete blur. I didn't see clearly again until they were rolling Maggie out on a stretcher for surgery. She would be fine. And that's what I told her.

And she will be fine. Until I have to tell her that our son is dead.

Note to Self: Wrote this one after y'all showed such interest in Maggie!

What Did You Just Call Me??

2010-01-31T11:07:00.000-05:00

Oh, Steve, Steve, Steeeeve. What were you thinking, my friend?

I'm all about some iPod. It sounds all new age-y and futuristic. But in naming your most recent invention, I imagine the staff meeting going something like this...

"Everyone I am happy to announce our newest product to make kids bother their parents non-stop and adults go even more in debt."

A hush falls over the group.

"We have taken the iPod Touch and given it steroids."

A round of gasps rolls through the room as Steve pulls out the new tablet.
"I call it... the iPad."

Every man in the room jumps to his feet with a roar of applause. The meeting adjourns with the few women in the room still sitting, mouth agape, in shock.

You know, I am only assuming there were women in the room. To your benefit, it may be a good idea to pretend there weren't and call it a SNAFU.

Note to Self: Really... Steve? Really...

Note to Idiots

2010-01-29T15:05:00.003-05:00

Dear Spammers,

Who would I like to..... (bum-bum-bum)...

Push down the stairs,
Especially in pairs,
Or beat with a giant hammer?

Who would I feed my dog for a snack,
Or stab in the eye with a tack?
Why golly-gosh a spammer!

You've been forewarned...
MJ

Note to Self: I have now been forced to enact word-verification. Ugh, I HATE, HATE, HATE!

Maggie

2010-01-25T21:52:00.003-05:00

I just sat there, waiting on someone to say something, anything that would make sense out of the clucking that went on around me. But that's all I heard. Shouting and nonsensical clucking.

What in the world was happening and where in the world was Joe?

I was moving. Rolling, I guess. The faint sound of something metal clicked near my side. A pin prick and then nothing. I felt nothing.

How did I get here?

I remember I was in the car, discussing politics with my son in the backseat. Who knew a seven-year-old would be so in tune with today's issues? Maybe he'll run for President someday.

There was a flash of light, a loud sound. And then, there was Wendy. Wendy. Joe's bosomy partner. She was pretty in that strange fake-smile looking way. Like she was beguiling you with her saccharine sweetness, but waiting for you to leave so she could bang your husband while you weren't looking. But this time, she seemed different. Frantic. Less confident than normal.

I could see the familiar red and blue of police cruisers, bouncing off the metal around me. Alex loves to sit in Joe's car and turn those things on and off. I had the faint feeling that they were there for me today.

Maggie. Someone was calling my name. Maggie, everything is going to be okay. Joe. I could vaguely feel his presence. Not like usual when his nearness would overwhelm my senses. His familiar smell was watered-down by something else, and I knew the sound of fear in his voice.

I thought of Alex, while someone slipped a mask over my face.

Note to Self: Just a short story to keep up my writing skills...

To Resolve?

2010-01-11T20:50:00.004-05:00

Or not to resolve?

Well, in the spirit of the New Year, let me recap my 2009: got laid off from work, found a new job, bought a house, finished my MBA, got promoted, and got married. Pretty big year. A pretty damn good year too.

So, I suppose I am going to have to make some resolutions to try and make 2010 not seem crap-tastic compared to last year.

First, I am going to resolve to stay more or less connected. By this, I mean that I will stay more connected to those I love, yes, including you blog readers, and less connected to toxic relationships, not unlike those dramatic people you somehow become friends with on facebook. This brings me to my next resolution.

Second, there will be a ginormous (yes, it's a word) purging of my facebook friends list. Should you be unfortunate enough to have pissed me off in the last year or simply just too lazy to even write on my wall after you "friended" me, you will be removed from my elite list of friends (and you might even possibly be blocked, depending on how much of a whackadoo I think you might be).

Third, I plan to wear a bikini this year. These past two weeks of being bombarded by some strange virus (meerkat flu? I dunno...) have shown me that I do, in fact, have the ability to be on a liquid diet and learn to have no taste for food whatsoever. Yay, sickness!

Fourth, I plan to get involved. In what, I am not sure yet. Probably something dangerous, but hopefully not illegal. I am going to go ahead and predict that it will have something to do with my pal Colby. Go figure.

Fifth, I will vow not to kill the new puppy. I guess. But if he eats a pair of my Stuart Weitzman's all bets are off.
Note to Self: I also would like to have a more fulfilling job. Anyone looking to hire a cute blonde who is pretty good at everything, but not quite awesome at anything (except just generally being awesome)?

Merry Wishes for a Happy Chriskwanzukkah!

2009-12-25T01:11:00.003-05:00

Dear reader,

Whatever you celebrate, may you find peace this holiday season.

And may you encounter fewer morons in the coming year than you did in the last.

Love,
MJ

Gearing Up for Christmas

2009-12-19T00:33:00.003-05:00

While Kris Kringle takes advantage of the lack of child-labor laws in the North Pole, I am realizing that we, in fact, only have a week until Christmas. You would think that, me working in retail and all, I would understand the last minute rush for gifts and I, surely, would have completed my holiday shopping. Only one problem. I work while all the stores are open. So no, I haven't completed any of my holiday shopping, except for the majority of the goodies that will be filling up my hubbies stocking.

The weather here in the styx is also taking a turn toward the chilly side, meaning rain and cold and cold rain. No snow though. No. We wouldn't want to have any fun in the wet weather, would we? No, we just want to be just warm enough to not get any of the white stuff for the holidays (and be just cold and wet enough to freeze off our ta-tas at the end of shift).

At the beginning of the holiday season, I thought Hmm, hooray! A new home, a first Christmas, holiday spirit abounds! Now I am thinking Bah, humbug! A cold home, an empty wallet (hence, the cold home), holidays come with too many expectations! I mean, this season is the number one time for burgluries, armed robberies, theft, AND domestic violence. Just last week the cop caught a guy who held up a Waffle House with a machete. Seriously, who can get in the mood for giving with that kind of crap going on?
Regardless, dear bloggers, on Christmas Eve I shall snuggle up in my eight blankets, alone as usual since the cop is working. I will be watching sappy Hallmark movies and revisiting old classics like Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life. I will have my customary hot chocolate in hand and my faithful pups at my side. I will be looking forward to seeing what good ol' Saint Nick brings me Christmas Day. And I will sleep with my trusty revolver at my side in case any false Santa's come snoopin' around.

For all its faults, life is pretty good. And until the big day, I am going to try to get in the Christmas spirit for the sake of every frazzled customer than comes in my store. Unless they're a jerk. Then all bets are off.

Note to Self: Jingle bells, Batman smells....

How to Pull a Double

2009-12-14T20:48:00.002-05:00

Season's greetings, dear blog friends! I hope your tree is trimmed and your stocking hung with care, because the fat man will be here really soon!

As you know, I work in retail. This means that the holiday season is when I generally want to tear my hair out and have a shit-fit, but I have to instead harness my anger into more productive things like folding jeans and climbing shelves in the stock room for that one item that little Suzie has to have on Christmas day.

Inevitably, managers in retail will one day have to work a double shift, or a "double". It is usually caused by seasonally hired workers being irresponsible and calling in thirty minutes before there shift starts with some lame excuse as to their inability to come to work. This is then followed by loud cursing and screaming and many phone calls to fill the void in the shift by the manager on duty. Once it has become obvious that trying to call someone in has become futile, it happens.

I volunteer myself to pull a double. *DOH*

So, I thought I would break down exactly how a day of double shift works, at least for me.

8AM: Prepare the store, hopefully with no surprises.
950AM: Signal to the early riser that is banging on the door that I do, in fact, have ten more minutes before I have to open the store.
955AM: Give in and let her in anyway.
10AM: Organize the store.
1030AM: Suck up to customers.
11:45AM: Avoid grumpy coworkers.
1235PM: Process 23 returns in one hour, destroying sales projections.
1240PM: Answer inevitable no-show phone call.
1241PM: Try calling someone else to come in.
1242PM: Try again.
1243PM: Try again.
1244PM: Try again.
1245PM: Try again, begging this time.
1246PM: Try bribery.
1247PM: Concede defeat.
1248PM: Become temporarily insane.
1249PM: Volunteer to work a double shift.
1250PM: Immediately regret it.
1PM: Take lunch break.
2PM: Come back to work refreshed.
215PM: Hate my life.
430PM: Find second wind.
455PM: Have hopeful outlook as original off time passes.
530PM: Hate my life a second time.
6PM: Pull 47 of the same clothing item, in the same size, from the fitting room.
7PM: Begin straightening the store for close.
9PM: Try to close the store and fail, because customers are still in the store.
915PM: Politely ask customers if they need assistance.
920PM: Ask again.
930PM: Ask again, rudely.
935PM: Check out final customers and lock door.
936PM: Sigh.
937PM: Finish straightening store while swapping Tiger Woods jokes.
10PM: Count deposit and safe.
1015PM: Set alarm, lock door, check coworker bags for merchandise.
1020PM: Sit in car in parking lot until feet stop throbbing.
1030PM: Get home and soak feet.
1035PM: Crash in bed.

I hope you never have to pull a double, but should you ever find yourself even thinking about volunteering for one, remember to think about it longer than thirty seconds. Think of the long term consequences, including sanity.

Note to Self: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stops at three ho's!

Note to Idiots

2009-12-06T19:40:00.002-05:00

Ah, yes. It's that time of year, where people in Georgia start dressing unnecessarily warm, as if the ice age has once again come to torment our tiny planet and the deep South is the epicenter of the deep freeze...

Dear girl who came into my store today,

What the heck is with your shoes?
Were you planning on skiing at some point in the near future? Or perhaps you were planning a weekend romp to Alaska, Canada, or another of our frozen northern neighbors, and you were just breaking them in before the trip. I certainly hope so, considering otherwise, I mean, you would just look plain silly! What's that? Oh, you're not planning a trip to the South Pole... hm. Oh, you think they look cool... interesting.

Just so you know, they don't. And me and my coworkers just had a good laugh at your expense and a moment of silence for all the tiny woodland creatures who had to die for you to have those.

Have a nice day!
MJ

Note to Self: I especially like seeing the girls who wear them with mini-skirts. For real, I imagine their feet must be sweating, but their knees are numb from the cold.

Thank-full-ness

2009-11-26T22:56:00.004-05:00

After scarfing down three different Thanksgiving meals, I am finally home from the familial festivities. Right now, I am preparing myself for working retail hell tomorrow and trying to digest the ridiculous amount of sweet potatoes I have consumed over the last two days. I am baking brownies for the cops on duty tonight and cupcakes for my coworkers tomorrow, trying to make "Black Friday" not seem so black. While the sweet smell of chocolate fills my kitchen, it is easy to reflect on today's blessings. So I give you:

The Top 10 Things to Be Thankful for Today
10. I did not actually explode from over-eating.
9. My cop brought me breakfast this morning as a sweet gesture. (Although I did not eat it from still being full from the previous day's early Thanksgiving celebration, it was a sweet gesture...)
8. I didn't have to spend money on dog food today, because Panther was fed enough ham to last him a week.
7. I got to take enough food home, that I will probably not have to buy groceries for a month.
6. I am so full of good things, like vegetables and lean turkey meat, that dessert could not even wedge itself into my stomach if I tried. So, at least I am a healthy, chubby kid and not just a chubby kid.
5. The cop and I have an agreement that Thanksgiving is when I could finally start decorating for Christmas.
4. The Christmas decorations were already pulled out and waiting for me.
3. I got the majority of the non-tree-related Christmas decorations up this morning.
2. Christmas means Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes. Mmm.
1. I got to see my cutie-pie nephew today. No joke there. I love the little booger.

I hope you took the time out today to really think about what you are thankful for. And not just the whole, "friends, family, health, blah blah blah..." but what you are really blessed with on top of those things.

Note to Self: What are you thankful for?

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

2009-11-17T21:22:00.003-05:00

Oh, Christmas tree,
Oh, Christmas tree,
Don't come 'til after turkey.

Oh, Christmas tree
Oh, Christmas tree
And all the can-shaped cranberry.

Each year, it seems, you come more soon,
Next year, maybe, the month of June.

Oh, Christmas tree,
Oh, Christmas tree,
Early December is good for me.

Note to Self: This rendition of the Christmas classic is dedicated to the overachieving, Christmas-loving ladies at the National Police Wives Association. Happy holidays.

Basking in Homeownership

2009-11-14T23:18:00.003-05:00

I couldn't remember if I told you that I did, in fact, buy a home back in June. Part of that whole I'm-completely-stressed-out-and-insane phase I was going through when I was failing to write. I had the day from work yesterday, and my day off happened to coincide with the cop's day off.

A normal day off for me means cleaning the house, laundry, and cooking for the cop before he goes on shift and I am left home alone to bask in my alone-ness.

But the abnormal day off, the day when me and the cop are both off... Well that means....

Bumming out in lounge chairs on the back patio. Beer in hand and staring at the lake and fall foliage in the back yard.

hope y'all are having a good weekend.

Note to Self: Just another shitty day in paradise...

Mafia Wars

2009-11-11T20:26:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I have a confession.

I'm a little bit obsessed with Mafia Wars on Facebook. I'm pretty sure it is what has been taking up all my extra time and keeping me from blogging. Damn Mafia Wars.

But there is just something so exciting about knowing I have just kicked the poo out of some guy with the mafia title Imgonakickyurazz and there is nothing he can do about it. Plus, I like the idea of waking up each morning to 200 million dollars in income from owning skeevy rent houses and about 50 mega casinos.

The closest thing I get to that kind of morbid excitement in my real life is telling customers that their credit card has been declined and waking up every other Friday to my paycheck actually being in the bank.

So what would it be like if I were head of my own mafia? I guess I would start by doing more practical things than just stealing money and blackmailing state representatives. Maybe I would knock over a Kate Spade store for some wicked awesome shoes and accessories. Or whack whatever celebrity gets on my nerves that week. I would even have a cool calling card, maybe a Yorkie paw print on the forehead of everyone I have iced. And every time you see a picture of me, I'm wearing a black Chanel dress with a black Prada bag carrying my faithful pup who wears a signature custom made Ralph Lauren bow tie.

Ah, the mafia life would be sweet.

Note to Self: Start with finding the Chanel dress.

Proof

2009-11-08T19:39:00.003-05:00

Okay, so yeah it's been a month since I posted.

But I seriously do have a photo to prove what I have been doing with my time...

Yeah, I got married, just like my last post said (and you thought I was just using some lame excuse). And so I have been spending my time being a good Mrs. Cop, setting up house, working my life away, and cleaning Kevlar vests... you know, normal wife things.

I've been procrastinating writing again, I think because I am afraid I will disappoint again - going away for another month without writing, while you all sit on the edge of your seats waiting for the next awesome post (that's what you're doing right?). And look at me, I still haven't made my rounds to all my normal blog haunts.

Even so, even without all the Pulitzer worthy writing, I received a nice award in my absence from Peter Parkour over at Hate and Anger.

It's a nice little tribute to me for hounding him for not blogging. Kinda ironic right?

Anywho, I have so many daily things where I still think, oh I should blog about that, and yet I don't. I should. And I should make it around to reading you guys and commenting again.

I just finished up a small project for the National Police Wives Association. When it gets printed, you guys will be the first to know. For now, I hope to make it back very soon (at least this week), if for no other reason than to bring you some good Note to Idiots. I mean, retail during the Christmas season makes for plenty of writing material, so I know I really have no excuse anymore.

Hang in there.

Note to Self: Add this award to the award page...

AND...

2009-10-03T08:36:00.000-04:00

Today is my wedding day!

Note to Self: Don't trip!

Weddings (and other such wackiness)...

2009-09-22T20:53:00.002-04:00

Yep, I'm getting married in less than two weeks (11 days to be exact), and the stress is kicking in double-time. I have to make sure the whos-its are on time and the whats-its are where they are supposed to be and the why-nows are paid on time.

Juggling it all has been a bit of a challenge (especially since I was never good at juggling), but I am making it through as long as nothing else gets piled on...

Like the promotion... THAT I GOT. Heck yes. Oh dang.

So my schedule is totally thrown for a loop these days, mandating that I spend more time at work (y'know, making more money) and spend the rest of my time either sleeping or coordinating the whos-its, whats-its, and why-nows.

I miss my writing. I miss my bloggy friends. But I also very much miss the cop, and I can't wait to spend all my extra time with him soon. So hang in there, dear commenters. I hope to be back to some better semblance of my former self in the near, not-so-busy future.

Note to Self: Write down new ideas for Note to Idiot posts... retail is practically a gold mine for them...

All About the Job

2009-08-29T22:29:00.002-04:00

So these past few months have been super-hectic working out the whole lay-off thing and emotionally swinging my Louisville Slugger in a new career direction: retail.

This past week, I went and interviewed with the district manager for our stores to try and get a promotion into an entry management position that just came open in my store. The interview went well, and I'm hoping to hear something about it early this coming week. Cross your fingers for a promotion (and a pay raise, woohoo!).

Speaking of jobs, the cop is finding himself more and more beat down these days with crazy calls, rude people, and desperate criminals. I even saw a bumper sticker in town today that summed it all up: "Crime Doesn't Pay. And Neither Does Our Police Department."

He recently visited the site of the killing of a fellow officer and was overcome with emotion - mostly rage. I hated to hear him so angry about something, but I understood where it was coming from. He said he could see where the officer had been shot through the door. He could see that the drug dealer who shot him had obviously been crouching down, hiding, like a coward, because of the way the bullet came through the door. It also showed great restraint, I think, that the officers standing behind their fallen comrade did not shoot the bastard.

I think sometimes even I don't give these guys enough credit for the restraint they often show in their line of work. Because seriously, I couldn't do it. The first woman whose infant child I found out of a car seat in a moving vehicle would become the object of a serious bitch-slapping. I'm pretty sure I would be in jail, especially since car seat violations are the least of their worries as officers.

In closing, I give you a little bit of Paul Harvey:

Note to Self: Kiss the cop regularly. Remind him he does a good job that no one else is willing to do.

Bridezilla

2009-08-20T12:31:00.004-04:00

So, I consider myself a rather picky person when it comes to my wedding planning. All of my vendors, however, have delightfully told me how wonderful and easy I have been compared to other brides.

I just have to wonder what the other brides are like? What exactly is it that they demand that I'm missing out on? I have to wonder.
When it comes to wedding planning, I don't think I have ever done anything more stressful, yet fulfilling, in my life thus far. Sad, I know, but it has a been a lot of fun. I have enjoyed shopping with my bridesmaids, picking out their gifts, and ordering all the little things like my cake topper and garters. And I am super-excited about the shower my Maid-of-Honor is throwing me.

I couldn't imagine being a total bitch about my big day. Although I am quite opinionated about what I want, none of it is worth making people frustrated or angry with me.

Like I couldn't imagine being THESE women:

Sheesh!

Note to Self: I mean, is demanding that every bridesmaid have matching hair color so much to ask! Gah!... Just kidding.

Actually, what's funny about that - I have a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead for bridemaids... Sounds like the beginning to a bad joke.

Priorities

2009-08-11T11:22:00.005-04:00

In the cop's line of work, it's easy to become very cynical about the world and humanity in general. Me, I like to make fun of the majority of mankind and its generally high level of stupidity.

With that, I am going to start a new series called "Pryorateez" to show you just how screwed up and backwards some people can be.

Since this is my first one, I actually have a photo for you for illustration purposes. I don't think I'll even really need to explain it much.

Yes. That is a custom painted truck on rims... parked in front of a government project house. There are many more like these, and I will make sure to bring them to your attention.

I sleep easily knowing that someone who is getting my tax money can live well enough to afford that, even though they can't pay their own damn rent or mortgage. It just makes me feel great about life.

Note to Self: I personally would have gone with bass boat blue, but that's just me.

Back By Popular Demand!

2009-08-05T23:25:00.004-04:00

Note to Self is back online!

Whew! So let me give you a quick update on the complete craziness that is my life. And just for old time sake, let's make it a top ten list! So I give you...

The Top 10 Crazy Things That Have Happened to MJ

(10) We finally got into the house, and FINALLY got our internet up and running.
(9) I have acquired a taste for red wine, especially old vine zin. I blame this on my fellow police wives.
(8) I went and saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. (Side note: meh.)
(7) I have gotten settled into my new job as a retail sales associate, and I think I am liking it a little too much.
(6) The cop's benefits have been taken away, given back, taken away, and then partly given back. The city has seriously been jerking us around.
(5) Panther is still a brat, and now he has a big brat brother in the house to conspire against us with.
(4) I have just passed the two-months-left-to-go mark for our wedding, and I am realizing how much still needs to be done. Ack.
(3) However, my bachelorette party has been completely planned for months, reservations and all.
(2) I finally finished my Masters in Business (with honors) and am readily awaiting the arrival of another worthless piece of very expensive paper to hang on the office wall.

aaaand....
(1) My mother, my rock, was diagnosed with (luckily) early stage breast cancer and is awaiting the results so they can recommend treatment.

That last one is a bit of a mood killer, but I thought you had the right to know what has kept me so long from you, my loyal fans and friends.

You shall be my (hopefully, regular) outlet over the next few weeks as I recover from the majority of these events and move into a more bright and glorious future. Well, bright and glorious when seen through a glass tinted with red wine... because it's turned up... and I'm drinking it... ALL of it.

I do have to say thank you to all of you who left messages here, sent me email messages, posted on my facebook, and stalked me in other places on the web. I have missed you. I hope to get around to my fellow bloggers soon!

Note to Self: I have so many things to write about! What do I choose first?

Note to Readers

2009-06-18T17:42:00.003-04:00

I have not abandoned you! I promise!

The cop and I purchased a home last week, and we have not gotten our Internet up yet. (I know, I'm going nuts. I need to hurry up...) I miss all of my blogospohere friends sooo much, and I know I am losing readers every day I go without writing.

I am even sitting here in the middle of my MBA class writing this, because it is the only place I get Internet (besides Barnes n Noble). That's serious dedication - putting aside my expensive education to update you.

I hope things are going well with all of you. How about you stop by in the comments and leave me a little life update, so I can be in the know.

Hope to be back soon!

MJ

Ode to Mom

2009-06-09T22:59:00.002-04:00

Mom.
The woman who taught me the joy of heels.
The woman who held my hair whenever I puked.
The woman I fought with over the shortness of skirts.
The woman I inherited perfect balance and blonde hair from.
The woman who has put up with my bullshit for almost 24 years.
Mom.

You're the best.
Happy Birthday!

Note to Self: Love you!

It's Been a While...

2009-06-01T08:49:00.004-04:00

No, I won't sing the retarded Staind song. It's so overplayed.

Anywho - Ashley over at Ashley's the name... tagged me for a little job, and so I thought it might get my creative juices flowing this morning.

I am supposed to list six unimportant things that make me happy, so here goes:

1. I love it when Panther passes out, stretched out next to me when I'm working on my laptop.
2. I love it when my professors let us out of class early, because seriously, who can sit in a classroom for four and a half hours?
3. I love it when my car is clean, which is really really rare these days.
4. I love when I buy something online, and it gets to me super-fast!
5. I love seeing people do small acts of kindness, like holding open doors and helping to carry heavy things.
6. I love seeing Eminem get totally pwned at the MTV movie awards, and then watching him leave like a little baby because he can dish it but not take it.

I'm supposed to tag people, but you all know how I feel about that. If you would like to borrow this task, go for it. Just link me and let me know that you did it so I can come see your answers.

Note to Self: Good morning all!

Note From the Universe

2009-05-27T10:43:00.000-04:00

I subscribe to a daily "Note From the Universe". They email me a note each day that gives advice, wisdom, and inspiration.

I wanted to share one that I got this week, especially since it was so timely with my Re-defining Success post:

If you're really honest, MJ, you have to admit that things today, in your most amazing life, at this most amazing time in history, are far better than they've ever, ever been.

Well done,
The Universe

PS. And we've only just begun, Margeaux.

I love these notes.

Note to Self: Go here to subscribe.

Adoption

2009-05-26T09:19:00.001-04:00

I love the adoption and fatherhood commercials that are out now! They are seriously touching in a hilarious way.

With my roomie working in adoptions for DFaCS, I have a personal investment in the topic. So I thought I would share some of my favorite adoption commercials with you.

These are two of my favorite fatherhood commercial. I think that the dads in today's culture forget the importance of a strong father-figure in a child's life.

These are two "perfect parent" commercials. It is so imperative for parents to understand that not everything has to be perfect for you to be able to provide a home for a child. Just being there makes all the difference.

And of course, we can't forget the unconditional love that comes with adopting what the ladies at the National Police Wives Association calls fur-babies. I love this story about a dog named Oliver, because the dog my roomie rescued is also named Oliver!

I encourage everyone to give serious thought to adoption - whether the human or furry kind.

Note to Self: I'm sticking with the furry kind for now!

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T10:02:00.003-04:00

Between the sun-bathing at the pool, having a drink with the guys, and grilling up some greasy burgers, take the time to really think about the meaning of today.

Many of my fellow police wives also know the stress of having their hubbies serve in the military, and I cannot imagine having someone I love so far away from me for so long. I think it easy for us to separate ourselves from the sacrifice of our military when the fighting feels like a world away. It's something we definitely take for granted as Americans.

So today, think about those who are fighting for us and our freedoms. Think about those we have lost in the ultimate sacrifice. And think about the loving families they have left behind.

Note to Self: All gave some, some gave all.

Re-defining Success

2009-05-24T11:28:00.004-04:00

When you think about what success means, how do you describe it?

Is it being rich? Is it having a fancy car or a big house? How about a white collar desk job that makes six figures? Is it being the best at what you do? Is it being recognized for good deeds you've done? Is it having a fancy degree from a prestigious school?

In the recent past, I had felt a sense of failure after being laid off from my last job. How could I be successful without the paycheck to back it up or the fancy job title? How in the world was I going to be happy without being successful?

Really, I think I just needed to define my success differently. Regardless of my occupation, I am still very loved - by friends, family, Panther, and of course, my fiance. Changing my job does not make them love me any less. In fact, they can only love me more because of how much happier I am.

My success: being loved, being happy, having a home, feeling like I make a difference in others' lives, constantly striving to better myself, and owning at least one pair of Michael Kors pumps.

Okay, maybe not so much that last one, but all the others (although I own some lovely patent MK heels). Right now, at this point in my life, I am feeling very successful. And it has nothing to do with my paycheck and everything to do with my attitude in life.

Note to Self: How do you define your success?

Territorial Rat

2009-05-20T07:49:00.002-04:00

When Panther was younger, I used to seriously discourage his barking - I didn't want to own a yippy dog - and it worked pretty well. But lately, Panther has become very territorial, and he barks like crazy at any noise - in the yard or in the house.

And I know he is just trying to be protective, but he barks at the neighbor going to work every morning. And this neighbor has decided that whenever Panther barks at him, he isn't just going to get in his damn car and drive away, he is going to turn on his car alarm to make him stop. He says he heard somewhere that turning the car alarm on like that would teach him not to bark when he comes out.

Um, yeah. Now he's just used to the car alarm and barks anyway, and then barks MORE when he turns the car alarm on. So now, not only are our immediate neighbors kept up by Panther barking, but the rest of the neighborhood gets a lovely wake up from a car alarm in the morning.

Idiot.

Weekend Recap

2009-05-18T12:04:00.002-04:00

I worked Friday afternoon, but as soon as I hit the door I called up my gal pals for a rousing game of Bar Bonanza. We hit up every bar in town and played the who-can-get-the-most-suckers-to-buy-them-drinks game. I won. As usual.

Somewhere around 2AM Saturday, I had a Red Bull and was within the state of mind to think that it might actually give me wings. I took a flying leap off of the top of some random Suburban (sorry for the dent!), and landed face first on the pavement. After a quick trip for some stitches over my left eye, I hit the bed for a 4 hour power nap.

We hit the lake most of the day, and I showed people how awesome I am on a jet ski. After getting a sunburn that turned out to actually be third-degree burns, I slapped on some aloe and we hit the streets again to get a neon tan. I knocked out some guy at a local pub who thought it would be wise to pat me on the back (ouch!). When he regained consciousness, I apologized, he laughed, and he bought everyone drinks. He also said I should seriously think about boxing professionally.

I woke up somewhere around noon on a friend's floor with an empty bottle of Listerine in one hand and a full bottle of Newcastle in the other. Ah, Sunday. I began the day with a customary confession of sins at my Catholic church, but beat the church crowd to lunch where I met the cop for some end-of-weekend Bloody Marys. We spent most of the afternoon cruising in his patrol car, pulling people over, and using the "meow" thing from Super Troopers...

Yeah. Have you figured out that I'm full of crap? My weekend was nothing like that. here's how my real weekend went:
Friday - Work until 10:00PM, hit up the cop's house for some food and Halo and snoozing.
Saturday - Hit the mother-in-law's pool for most of the day, no sunburn. Go to work until 10:00PM again. Turn down an invite to party from the gal pals, so exhausted. hit the cop's house for more grub and Halo and sleep.
Sunday - Don't make it to church, because God understands when I need to sleep in. Get a call that says I don't have to go to work. Go see Angels and Demons with the cop (pretty good!). Head home early after more grub and Halo.

All in all, a pretty nice, restful weekend. But I know it's definitely more boring that what it could have been...

Note to Self: For some real weekend recaps, go see these bloggers: here, here, and here.

National Police Week

2009-05-14T11:22:00.002-04:00

This week marks National Police Week, a time when we remember those who have lost their lives in the line of duty. Last year, 146 officer gave the ultimate sacrifice for serving their communities.

It is often a thankless job, but is full of a lot of its own rewards - knowing a child will no longer be neglected, knowing a drug-dealer is off the streets, knowing a gun can no longer fall into the wrong hands, knowing a woman is out of the reach of her abusive husband, knowing another person will not be attacked, another car will not be stolen, another gas station will not be robbed, knowing good people can sleep safely at night.

But as I sincerely pray for the families of these lost loved ones, I also pray we do not lose any more. And I sincerely thank the law enforcement community for their passion to protect and serve.

Note to Self: And now, I dub myself the Sara Lee of Precinct 3, as I resigned myself to the kitchen last night to make goodies for my cop's squad as a meager thank you - fudge brownies by me, pound cake from his mom, and toffee chocolate chip cookies from his sister. They'll be working on those for a week!

Worthless Junk

2009-05-12T11:47:00.004-04:00

Ok. I have seen so many ads for worthless junk on television, that I always have to wonder who buys the stuff. I mean, they wouldn't advertise it if they didn't think some sucker would buy it right?

So I was thinking about that this morning, when I saw a commercial that was reminiscent of a total throwback from my elementary school days...

The Topsy Tail
Oh yeah, you remember it. Every cool girl that wore jelly sandals and a scrunchie on her wrist had a Topsy Tail.

It brought us these awesomely ridiculous hairdos...

I mean, a normal pony tail would not cut it - NO! It had to be a topsy tail. It had to be a style that would take all the effort your mother had in order to pull all your damned hair through a stupid oversized needle-threader, while practically ripping your locks out at the roots.

Note to Self: Do you remember anything like this from way-back-when?

They're Freakin' Everywhere!

2009-05-11T10:16:00.000-04:00

Fleas!

Apparently, the flea meds I was using on Panther weren't doing their job. I can't walk around in the house without having a flea jump on me. Of course, there are two dogs in this house, so it's not just Panther. Also, the cop's house has fleas too, as well as his mom's house.

So it's a never-ending cycle of fleadom. No matter where I take him, there are fleas. And I'm pretty sure that there is a flea bed somewhere in the backyard, but you can only tell someone so many times that the backyard will have to be sprayed to end the problem.

I changed Panther's flea meds this past week, and right away I could tell the difference. Mostly because the fleas started falling off him like drunken frat boys at a house party. And man, those things are impossible to kill! You can catch one, but you can't smoosh him! And you basically have to decapitate him with your fingernail to make him die!

So hopefully that will take care of the problem... you know, just in time for the love bugs to hit Georgia. And make my car disgusting...

Note to Self: ...you know, because the pine trees don't already do enough damage to my car...

Note to God:

2009-05-10T07:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me such a wonderful mother.
Thank you for making her kind, strong, and independent.
She has taught me so much in my lifetime.
Given, she pretty much had to scream it at me to make me listen...

Thank you for making her smart and courageous.
Thank you for giving her patience.
Or else I know she would have strangled me...

Thank you for making her so beautiful.
I hope I will look just like her at that age.
And, yes, I take credit for all the gray hair.

Amen

No excuse...

2009-05-06T10:16:00.003-04:00

I have no excuse for why I haven't been blogging.

Except...
I finished my spring MBA classes.
I brought home my wedding dress.
The cop and I are finalizing the paperwork for a home.
I dealt with a sick puppy, who is much better now.
I've opened one new checking account, a savings account, and two IRAs.
AND, I got verified over at Police Wives Online (now known as the National Association of Police Wives). That means, that I am spending tons of extra time over there, catching up on all the verified info, stories, and inside jokes.

Yesterday, I had a day off and went with my pal and bridesmaid Colby to find her bridesmaid dress. We found a cute little strappy deal that was absolutely perfect for her. And it made me happy to hear her say that she actually WOULD wear it again. I never wanted to be one of those brides who says "oh, yeah I picked this out, because I think you could definitely shorten it and wear it again for going out and stuff!"

And then you puke in your mouth a little because what I picked looks like this:

And there's no way in heeeeell you are ever going to use it for anything other than a rag to wash your car with.

No, I was really glad I made the choice to let them pick their own. Because maybe then they really will wear it again.

Note to Self: What is your most tragic groomsman or bridesmaid story?

I didn't make it...

2009-05-05T10:53:00.004-04:00

The tree was home base, and I totally didn't get there before Maki tagged me with some questions.

Wonderfully enough, I haven't been around the blogosphere in almost a whole week, which feels really weird for me.

I'll write a post tomorrow to catch you up on what is going on. But for now, here are the questions that were passed on to me...

What's your current obsession? Reading. I've been reading so much lately, and I have been enjoying it so much.

What's your weirdest obsession? Sleeping. No, seriously. I have been exhausted lately, but I love that feeling of being completely tired and hitting the bed.

What are you wearing today? Right now, I'm in ugly pajama bottoms and an old powderpuff football shirt from highschool. I'm not sure what I will change into later.

Why is today special? I just realized it's Cinco de Mayo, but it's also my day off! And I get to hang out with one of my friends that I haven't seen in a while except in passing.

What would you like to learn to do? I have always wanted to play cello.

What's for dinner today? Hmmm.. I'm not sure yet. I'm going to guess leftovers from the fridge or something I pick up somewhere.

What's the last thing you bought? Two cases of Slimfast from the grocery store.

What's your favorite weather? Gimme that SoCal weather! 75 degress with no humidity and a slight coastal breeze. This rainy, humid, 85 degrees in GA just isn't cutting it for me.

What's your most challenging goal right now? To finish school. This past semester was my hardest one yet, and I am interested to see how this last semester works out.

What do you think about the person who tagged you? Oh! Maki is a sweetheart! She was one of the first to donate during my blogathon, and I remember when she first started visiting my blog! Such a sweetheart and obviously very loved by her hubby and little ones.

If you could have a house totally paid for, full furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? On 17 Mile Drive at Pebble Beach or smack in the bay in Monterey, CA.

What would you like to have in your hands right now? A whole bunch of money would be nice!

What would you like to get rid of? My fear of the unknown. I have serious issues with the need to control EVERYTHING.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? The beach, and I would just lay out in the sun and sleep for an hour.

What's your favorite thing about the city you live in? My friends are here, the people are nice, and it's quiet.

If you had $150 now, what would you spend it on? I would put it in the bank to put toward the downpayment on our house.

Do you admire anyone's style? My mom. I think she's the most stylish woman I know!

Describe your style. Comfortable but cute.

Who's fashion show would you want tickets to? I'm not big on fashion shows really. I'd much rather just shop.

What are three live shows that you have seen? Brad Paisley, Wicked, Cirque du Soleil, Kenny Chesney, Blast, The Nutcracker (about 8 times), Flogging Molly... I love live stuff!!!

Alright ladies and gents, I will get back to you tomorrow on what has been going on.

Note to Self: Back to sleep...

Something New

2009-04-29T19:23:00.005-04:00

Okay, so lots of new stuff this week:

The new job is going well. Although I'm not working near as many hours, and I'm making about one-fourth of what I was, I really enjoy it, love my coworkers, and I'm just happy to have a job right now.

The cop and I are putting in an offer on a home this week, which will be where we will officially start our life together. We hope to be closing at the end of May, so we can move in sometime in June.

I'm having some prints made of our new engagement photos. I finally got the disc of all the photos. Here's one of my favorites for your enjoyment:

My new blogathon site for Police Wives Online was a complete success for the first annual blogathon. We raised $335 through direct donations, and I am very excited about the things those donations will accomplish! So thank you for all of you who came by and supported me!

Pertaining to that site - I did my first ever video blog over there to do that drawing, which was really fun, so I may being doing a video blog in the very near future.

I got a new book in the mail today! I forgot I had preordered it, but it was waiting by the door for me when I came home this afternoon. Which is good, because I was having a hard time choosing what to read after finishing Harry Potter.

A new semester of school is coming... I just finished one of my two classes this semester yesterday. It ended with a final presentation that had taken up about a quarter of my life and time these past few months, so I'm glad it's finished.

I'm picking up my wedding dress this weekend! And my mother is taking me shopping, which means I will have a few more new things, hopefully.

I also have a new award for my blog, thanks to my good friend Ashley! Ashley was a total trooper through the PWO blogathon, staying up with me and writing for the majority of the event. So readers, go over and tell her how awesome she is for giving me this:
Thanks for the award, hon! It will be a nice addition to my award page.

Note to Self: Other than that, wonderful people, not a whole lot new to report. I hope to be back writing more normally when I finally finish this semester next week and have a little more spare time (and brain).

$20 Amazon Card Drawing

2009-04-27T13:46:00.002-04:00

I posted the video of the winner of the random gift card drawing over at the blogathon site!

It was my first EVER video blog!

If you donated, go check it out to see if you won!

Note to Self: And check out Panther hamming it up in the background!

The Blogathon is ON!

2009-04-25T07:56:00.002-04:00

I'm over here today, having fun and raising money!

I hope you will come by, visit me, and donate to a worthy cause.

Note to Readers: HELP!

2009-04-24T08:50:00.004-04:00

Good morning, blog buddies,

You guys know it's not very often that I set you on a quest, ask you for favors, or act like the annoying friend who is only a friend because they want money. I know you guys often oblige my questions, and I definitely enjoy making you laugh and having you around.

Here's the thing (here it comes):

As you all know, my wonderful fiance is a police officer and I adore him and I am so proud of him and I think that he does wonderful things.

As most of you know, I am a part of a wonderful group of women known as Police Wives Online who support each other in the craziness of the law enforcement life.

Aaaand, as many of you have picked up (or noticed from my rose over there), I am hosting a blogathon to raise funds for Police Wives Online and its HUGS program, as well as some new upcoming programs. (If you would like to learn more about this program, just hit the HUGS tab at the top of this page.)

What I'm asking is, if you can, head over to the blogathon site here, read what it is all about, and click the blue rose to donate if you feel moved to support our worthy cause. Also, it would really be a help if you could mention our blogathon efforts on your blogs to help spread the word.

Last year, we raised over $400 with the blogathon, and this year I have set the lofty goal of $1,000. Every little bit counts!

There is also the chance for a random giver to win a prize! That's right, A PRIZE! I'm not sure what it is yet, but I will reveal it during the blogathon and announce the winner once the blogathon is over. I may even do my first ever video blog to announce it!

So if you support us, whether you donate or cheer us on, here is a pretty badge for your blog (just rught click and save, then add to your pages!):
I'm going to thank y'all in advance, because you guys always come through for me when I need you.

So: THANK YOU!

Love,
MJ
Strength Behind the Badge

Note to Idiots

2009-04-23T08:34:00.001-04:00

Dear homeowners,

So you want to sell your house. Well here's the thing...

Either you are going to have to update your shag carpet and replace all the brass fixtures and pink counter tops, or you are going to have to bring the price down. No offense, but white wood laminate with painted on flower is NOT a plus when trying to sell your home to someone. Neither is camouflage wallpaper.

Also, if you could please bother to hide all the extra crap you have lying around, that would be great. And if you could possibly find a way to move your entertainment center so that it is not blocking the door to the hallway, that would be nice too.

When we call ahead to say we are coming to look at your house, that does not mean you should stick around to greet us and tel us about the finer points of your house... including the lovely view of a mud hole in your backyard that you call a pond.

Please think before you price.
Much appreciated,
MJ

Note to Self: Seriously.

Control

2009-04-22T08:44:00.004-04:00

So there is a lot out in the media right now about all these people having guns, doing all these shootings, etc. And so of course, out comes the old argument of "well if there were no guns..."

People if there were "no guns," bad people would still have them and good people would be in even more danger. I'm not sure how many times I need to say that.

I understand that not everyone wants to own a gun, but for the criminal it is a deterrent not knowing who may or may not have a gun. Some sucker may think 5'0" blonde me would not have a gun, but they would be pleasantly surprised if they broke into my house wouldn't they?

OK. I feel better now that I have said that for the 1,347th time.

Speaking of control...
I cannot help myself! I HAVE TO FINISH HARRY POTTER! I'm finally on the last book, and I can't put it down, but I have to go to work, so I have to pull away... ARGH! It hurts!!!

Of course, now that I've read them, I'm not as excited about the last movies. There is no possible way they could portray the ultimate bad-assness that is Harry Potter from these books.

And how cool would it have been if you replaced all the wands in the movies with guns.

Yeeeeaaaaah...

Note to Self: So now, of to work... but dreaming of Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

Note to God:

2009-04-19T08:01:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

If "cleanliness is next to Godliness," then that guy behind me in line at the bank is in some serious trouble...

Amen.

Crappy Music

2009-04-18T09:20:00.004-04:00

OK....

I am so tired of this crappy music that is spewing out of the radio these days. Seriously, who listen to this no-talent musical vomit? Whatever happened to bands actually playing their own music and writing their own songs and... you know... being real musicians.

It's like record execs are hanging out in the middle of a pretty-boy convention and thinking "hmm... how would he look holding a guitar? And it doesn't matter if his voice sucks or he can't sing to the beat, because we can fix that with a computer..."

I'm sitting here watching the top20 on Vh1, and I'm seriously ready to throw something heavy at my tv screen. Apparently, popular music these days consist of about 50 bands that sound just like Nickelback (ie. crappycrapcrap) or girls trying to be jazzy or emo kids trying to sing.

*sigh* My poor iPod is super lonely these days. Any recommendations?

Note to Self: Hmm.... maybe this should have been a Note to Idiots...

A Good First Impression

2009-04-16T10:09:00.003-04:00

Huzzah! I found a job!

It's not much - a sales associate job at a retail store down the road - but it's a job! That means I get paid! Woo! (Can you tell I have low expectations?)
But seriously, I am looking forward to this. I really like the manager, and it was serendipity how I got the job (OK, ok - I can totally feels God's hand in it... and thank goodness for small towns!), and I am a freak about clothes, so this job just makes all kinds of sense to me.

Anywho, I start my training this afternoon. So today I thought I would give you some tips on how to make a good impression on your first day of work. I give you:

The Top Ten Things To Do At A New Job

10. Definitely wear your lucky rocket-ship underpants. Show them to everyone.
9. Regale customers with your version of "The Sound of Music". Give three encore performances regardless of whether people clap or not. In fact, keep a recording of cheering and clapping in your pocket to play when you're finished.
8. Show off your awesome vocabulary skills by carrying around a thesaurus and replacing everyday words with more complicated ones. Or by speaking in another language.
7. Look important by keeping your Bluetooth in your ear. When someone starts to talk to you, point at your ear and roll your eyes as if they were being rude.
6. Show your manager how hard-working you are by rearranging all the merchandise into alphabetical order. Accessories, camisoles, capris, cardigans, handbags...
5. Tell your coworkers about your awesome hobbies, like outrunning the cops and winning drinking contests.
4. Answer the phone by saying "Thanks for calling ___! What the hell do you want?"
3. To build comraderie, play practical jokes on coworkers. When they find the live snake under the stack of underwear, jump out and yell "haha, gotcha!" Make sure you have an antidote on hand in case they are bitten.
2. Gather for a group photo on your first day. Force everyone to wear matching outfits for it. Skirts. And scrunchies. Even the guys.
1. End your shift with, "See you tomorrow bitches!" as loud as possible. Across the entire store. Mean for customers to here it too. You want them to feel included too.

Stick to these, and you will definitely make an impression. I give no guarantees that you'll keep your job though...

Note to Self: Whew! So I was unemployed for a whole week and a half. It felt like forever though - seriously.

Busy-ness

2009-04-13T10:45:00.004-04:00

Forgive me for neglecting you my lovely blog readers! Things have been absolutely nuts.

I'm still job searching, at this point going for pretty much anything. I have about ten applications or so floating around out there. I have a couple prospects that I think may work out well, so cross your fingers, send good thoughts, and pray really hard that something works out soon.

The cop and I have been house shopping, looking for a good deal in this crappy economy. They are definitely out there, but we haven't found the perfect match yet.

My semester is three weeks from being over. This means projects are due and finals are looming, but once April is through it also means only one more semester to finish my MBA! Woo!

Then there's the blogathon coming up on April 25th, and I know I need to get moving on that to gather support! So stop by over there, become a follower, and donate if you can!

I would also like to give a nice "hello, and welcome to the zoo, don't feed the animals..." to the wonderful ladies at SITS. It's nice to have you here, I hope you'll stick around.

I would also like to say "hiya" to a fellow police wife who has been sneaking around... If y'all get a chance to stop by her blog, I recommend it. I'll be adding her to my blog roll.

So... there really isn't much to report. Panther and I are sitting here - he's sleeping in my lap, and I'm procrastinating on a marketing research paper. It's Monday, and I usually am beyond bragging about the fact that I'm not at work but... NANNY-NANNY-BOOO-BOOO!

I'll do my best to do my regular blog rounds today.
Hope y'all have a great week!

Note to Self: I've found that if you don't go anywhere, it doesn't cost you anything. And if you're not spending money then, meh, I guess it doesn't matter so much if you don't have a job. It's when you run out of toilet paper that lack of money becomes a problem.

Note to God:

2009-04-12T08:54:00.001-04:00

God,

Are there parts of the Bible that you just think, "MAN, I wish they would stop bringing that up!" or, "That damn monk in the ninth century copied that down all wrong..."?

Just wondering.

Amen.

Updating My Resume

2009-04-07T09:25:00.005-04:00

As of yesterday, I have six applications floating out there in the job world, and I'm crossing my fingers for a phone call some time in the next few weeks.

Since I'm job hunting, I've updated my resume to include my most recent job experience, including MBA classes. But really, does a resume list your true talents? Not mine.

So I give you...

The Top Ten Reasons To Hire Me That I Can't Put On My Resume

10. Not too shabby with a camera.
9. Great scrap-booking skills.
8. Read about a book a week - all genres.
7. Pretty enough to impress your clients, but ugly enough to not intimidate your wife.
6. Can drink with the best of 'em.
5. Can bake the best cookies you've ever eaten and make a nice meal out of anything.
4. Basically have my own personal bodyguard and an obvious connection with law enforcement.
3. Good with a .38, AND I know how to clean it.
2. Can write a letter that will singe the eyebrows off the reader.
1. Southern charm mixed with West Coast snarkiness.

What inappropriate talent would you put on your resume if you could?

Note to Self: I would have put "blonde with boobs," but I think that becomes clear during the interview.

Starting Over

2009-04-06T09:29:00.003-04:00

That's what this week is all about - starting over.

On Friday afternoon, I was laid-off from my position at work, along with four others, and pushed out the door into the unknown. So after packing up my pictures and dropping the extra candy from my dish at the front desk with the one person in the office who actually tried to get to know me during my tenure, I called the cop and met him for a drink.

My first thought was not "oh, crap, I don't have a job" or "how am I going to pay my bills?" No. My first thought was "thank God, I never have to wear those ugly uniform shirts ever again."

I can't say I didn't learn anything from the position. The details of print manufacturing are now ingrained in my cerebellum, and I have a better idea of the marketing design process, including what good design looks like.

I also learned that if you are hired by a family member, people will assume you have no talent and avoid you like the plague - banishing you to plenty of lunches spent eating alone. And I learned that there are some who go above and beyond to be nice, to learn about you, and ultimately befriend you regardless. (You know who you are.)

Even though I'm still young, and I have new careers ahead of me, and I'm finishing my MBA, I can't help but think about the other four people who lost their job with me and wonder what they are going to do. Some had been at the company for a long time, and I couldn't imagine one day just not having a job.

Ah, well. Onward and forward, I guess. As of this weekend, I have five applications floating around for various jobs. Here's to hoping I get one.

Note to Self: Anyone in need of a hot blonde with a degree?

Note to God:

2009-04-05T08:49:00.003-04:00

Lord,

I really hope all the barefoot angel in heaven imagery isn't true.

Can I put in a special request for a pair of Manolo Blahniks?

Amen.

Note to Idiots

2009-04-03T09:14:00.001-04:00

Dear Network TV,

I am done with you. I am tired of these stupid reality shows that go on and on and just shows how materialistic or idiotic we all are. I am tired of all these investigative dramas that are all minor variations of the same, exact thing. I am tired of David Caruso. He’s awful. I am tired of all the comedies that assume Americans like to laugh at fat slobs, rednecks, and (obviously) functionally retarded people.

Seriously. It hurts my brain. MAKE IT STOP.

MJ

Note to Self: Caruso makes Keanu Reeves look like he has a great emotional acting range. I HATE HIM!

But Seriously Folks...

2009-04-01T10:33:00.004-04:00

A lot has happened to me in the past year or so.

I finished my first year of MBA classes. I lost five pounds. I moved twice. I taught Panther to sit, lay, and stay. I got engaged. I got my hours cut at work. I failed at job searching. I went on a ride-along with the cop. I bought new tires for my car. I hit 500 posts on my blog. I bought a new laptop. I spent one full year at Police Wives Online. I faced two deaths in my family and one in the cop’s. I planned an entire wedding. I fought with my father. I grew closer to my mother. And I single-handedly kept Lean Cuisine’s out of stock at the grocery store. All without buying one single pair of jeans.

It is ridiculous how fast life has moved these past few years, and at the risk of making this post sound like an elementary school end-of-year paper, I’m going to tell you…

The Top 10 Things I’ve Learned in the Past Year

10. Dog poop in the house, no matter how small it is, can stink up an entire room for hours, even if it is removed right away.
9. A good jeweler will offer to clean any jewelry you have on while you look around their store, even if you didn’t buy any of it from them.
8. Using a crystal candy dish that clangs loudly when opened deters people from eating all your candy.
7. Getting an MBA has nothing to do with your ability to learn everything from your business classes. It has everything to do with the ability to afford a degree and not die of boredom while pursuing it.
6. No matter how much a father spends time with his daughter, he will never understand the utility of a great pair of pumps or the significance of a wedding dress. Thank God for moms.
5. You cannot worry about people who hate you. Even if you fix the reason they hate you, they will find another. And if they hate you no matter how much time has passed, it is really that they hate themselves. To forgive is one of the hardest things a person can do, especially to forgive yourself.
4. A real friend is not defined by how much time you spend with them, but by how confident you are that they will know when they are needed the most.
3. Watching my wonderful, fun-loving fiancé go into “cop mode” is the most hilarious thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life – giving proof to the phrase “If you think cops are scary, you should meet their wives.”
2. Sympathy for a widow is not just an emotion anymore. It is a cause for action and for love. It is a shared feeling of loss and grief and weakness. It is a call for solidarity. It is a reminder of what I have and should not take for granted.
1. When you open yourself up to experiences that are beyond your control, that scare you, or that make you remember your own mortality – when you do things that test you, that you may fail at, or that make you think in ways you never had before – when you try something that was not planned or that you thought would be too hard – THAT is when you really learn something about yourself. For me, I found strength I never knew I had.

I know, I know. I got all philosophical on you, but it’s definitely been a long and interesting year for me. The past few weeks have seemed especially exhausting, but I find strength in knowing I am loved.

Note to Self: “When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.” - Edward Teller

Well, in my day...

2009-03-30T08:21:00.003-04:00

The cop and I have been having long conversations about how cartoons really suck nowadays. I mean, what is this crap that they watch? Most of it is a deep look into the Japanese obsession with Americana, combined with terrible animation and horrible plot lines.

But really were our cartoons much better? Most of our cartoons were obviously made up by people that were totally tripping on acid and looked like they had been illustrated by color-blind monkeys. Think about it - the Smurfs, Scooby Doo, My Little Pony, Inspector Gadget. The list goes on.

So really were our cartoons so much better than today's shows? Or is it just the memories that we associate with them. Sitting on the couch on Saturday morning in our pjs, sucking down sugar cereal while watching a full hour of Ren and Stimpy followed GIJoe.

But I present one form of evidence that does, in fact, show how much more awesome our cartoons were when we were kids...

Looney Toons.

Seriously, that stuff was awesome. It was hilarity and violence and racism and mind-numbing idiocy all rolled into endless hours of nonsense. And kids definitely don't get enough of that these days. Nothing compares to the like of Bugs Bunny torturing a retarded hunter, a duck with a lisp, or a cowboy-type with a Napoleon complex. Or Porky Pig, the one character with a horrendous stutter. Or Foghorn Leghorn, the giant rooster with an obvious hearing problem, considering how loud he insisted on being all the time. Or the poor Coyote, who could never catch that damn Roadrunner.

Absolutely nothing compares to that animated goodness. I've always wondered why they stopped playing it too. I mean, I know they had been playing re-runs for the majority of my life, but if you just push it onto a new generation of kids, they don't know any different!

Well after doing a smidgen of piss-poor internet research, I read that Looney Toons was quietly taken off the air in 2000 when Cartoon Network bought the exclusive rights to the show and its icons. Cartoon Network sporadically plays it on its smaller network, Boomerang, but unless you have digital cable or a dish, it's not likely that you get this network.

I guess because of all the fun and good memories that we associate with our childhood, we only wish that our kids could have the same stuff we did. I imagine every generation feels this way as it gets older. Our kids will be saying, "Well in my day, we had Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, not this crap they have on TV now..."

My favorite Looney Toon was definitely Daffy as Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century with Marvin the Martian. What was yours?

Notice that this episode in fact reintroduces the orange monster, Gossamer, who earlier had an adventure with Bugs Bunny.

Note to Self: I have this sinking feeling that my kids are going to ask me, "Mom, what were CDs?"

Note to God:

2009-03-29T08:40:00.001-04:00

Dear God,

What is heaven like?

I hope there is lots of dirt and no leashes.
And can my friend MJ come?
She gives good belly rubs.

Sincerely,
Panther

Red, Blue, Pink, and Yellow

2009-03-28T09:41:00.000-04:00

I’m exhausted this morning – the cop and I had our engagement picture session yesterday, and we were totally zapped by the end of it. Apparently even when it’s cloudy and rainy, the sun can take a lot out of you. I even have a mild sunburn.

Then we went out and had a good ol’ time with his squad at a local pub, throwing down car bombs until midnight and gabbing about the latest arrests – while I sat there trying to remember all the signals and 10 codes…

Anywho, I thought I would stop in and post those pictures of the trees that I promised.

These are some of the ones in the cop’s yard – there are five of them in all, and they are some of the tallest in the city.

Now just imagine thousands of these trees blooming all at once!

And the mess that they make when the flowers fall. (This picture is a very minor look at what the mess will be in a few more days.) Sorry, these aren’t great pictures – it was just around dusk, and I didn’t have quite enough light.

Luckily we’ve had some rain in the past 24 hours, and it has washed the majority of the pollen from these trees into nice puddles of bright yellow. So hopefully, my sinuses will have a reprieve from the stuff for a few days.

Y’all have a good weekend!

Note to Self: Yeah, you think they’re pretty, but when these things come out, I always have the urge to leave town for a few weeks until the blooms are all gone.

Note to Idiots

2009-03-27T10:39:00.000-04:00

Dear fast rainy day drivers,

It is not a good idea to drive 90 miles an hour when it’s pouring outside.

Just thought you might like to know.

You're welcome,

MJ

Dear slow rainy day drivers,

It is not necessary to drive 25 miles per hour on the interstate in the rain.

You will cause more wrecks that way than by driving fast.

Move along please,

MJ

Note to Self: And a hex on any of you morons who make me late to work.

The Dreaded Pink Tree

2009-03-25T15:04:00.001-04:00

A few things before I start this post.

(1) I felt it was time to move on from the fish. So I got a hamster. His name is Hermes Harrington, III, but he says I can call him Fuzz. Feel free to feed him by clicking on his cage, but when you’re finished please make sure he gets back to running on his wheel. I don’t want a chubby rodent running around my blog.

(2) Fuzz and I would like to give a shout out to my lovely sister-in-law-to-be (for the sake of security, we’ll call her Hope) and her boyfriend (who we’ll pretend is a pet monkey named Bubbles who can juggle chainsaws). Apparently they have been stalking me online, and I felt it appropriate to call them out. Hey, Hope and Bubbles!

(3) As I gave a little hint to y’all a few posts ago, I am organizing a blogathon for April, during which I will stay up for a full 24 hours to raise money for a very worthy charity – Police Wives Online. I have setup a separate blog for this event, so stop by, check it out, and become a follower. And yes, I did use the word “y’all.”

So back here, I told y’all about a pancake eating session that I attended. Although very tasty and served for a good cause, these fluffy concoctions are a sign of obnoxious thing to come in my tiny town in Bumblefart, GA. For they are no ordinary pancakes…in fact, they are PINK PANCAKES OF DOOM!!!

They are a signal for about 300,000 cherry blossom trees in my poor city to start blooming, releasing a shower of pink and pollen and attracting tourists from all over the world who think it is their right to stop their minivan in the middle of the road to take a picture, at which point I shout: “It’s just a damn tree! GO HOME!”

And while my eyes enjoy the sight of the flowers and my mouth enjoys the taste of all the ridiculously fattening foods they bring with them, my sinuses scream ENOUGH! and begin a war with the rest of my head that rivals the feeling of a sucker punch to the face.

My pal Colby can attest to the frequent “abuse” of animals during this time of year, and when I was asked if my pup would be joining the Pretty in Pink animal parade, I looked directly at the woman, shouted “NO! He’s a friggin’ boy! I won’t have my boy dog dressed in pink for some sadistic parade!”, and knocked the woman over as I went sprinting to the car, Panther clutched closely to my chest. OK, so maybe it wasn’t quite that dramatic, but I do remember saying “uh, no.”

The cop has one of the prettiest yards in the area during this time of year, as he has five ginormous cherry blossom trees, so I will try to get some pictures… as long as I’m not busy yelling at tourists slowing down in front of his house.

Note to Self: Seriously, people dress in pink, dress their pooches in pink, the local Chick-fil-As serve pink ice cream and wear pink shirts… everything looks like it accidentally got washed with a red sock…

Mixed Family

2009-03-23T10:07:00.005-04:00

With marriage comes a combining of a lot of things:

My clothes with his clothes, my furniture with his furniture, and lots of things that we will both be throwing away. But with our wedding comes another integral point in the joining of our households...

Our dogs. Specifically, my tiny terrier and his miniature horse.

Here is a look at the brothers-to-be:

Name: Panther
Origin: His name came from the gun that would have been bought with the money that his dad-to-be spent instead on purchasing him for me for Christmas.
Breed: Yorkie
Age/Weight: One and a half years, four pounds. I think when his hair is cut short, he loses about a pound in weight...
Likes: Other dogs, cheese, licking dad's face, small stuffed animals, dirt, sleeping in mom's lap, and swimming.
Dislikes: Being alone, being told "no", the hairdryer, and the brush.

Name: Brendle
Origin: His name came from the term that describes his coat colors, and yes, was misspelled on purpose. He came from a box outside Kroger, where his father was suckered into adopting him.
Breed: Bull Mastiff/Boxer mix, hence the miniature horse comment. We believe he would have been much bigger, but he has hypothyroidism, which has stunted his growth and makes it hard for him to heal.
Age/Weight: Seven years old, eighty-five pounds.
Likes: Eating anything off the counter when no one is looking (especially entire loaves of bread), tail wagging, sleeping, blocking the TV, cats/friends, and howling at ambulances.
Dislikes: Water, grass, dirt, or walking on anything besides carpet or cement, hyper dogs, an empty food bowl.

Brendle actually doesn't seem to notice Panther unless Panther is in a really hyper mood, hopping all over the place, etc. They are not particularly friends, but they do get along, with only a few bouts of jealousy when one is getting more attention than the other. I think when they are permanently living together, they will learn to be friends.

Note to Self: They are both completely spoiled, so I envision them getting together and plotting against us in the future.

Note to God:

2009-03-22T08:29:00.000-04:00

Lord,

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake,
I hope they fry the bastard who killed me.

Amen.

Because it's Friday...

2009-03-20T09:53:00.007-04:00

And I think this long week deserves a nice pick me up...

Here is one of my all-time favorite songs right now. If you know me and my absolute stab-it-with-a-spork loathing for rap music, then you will understand why I love this song.
WARNING: EXPLICIT

Now listen to it again, and just listen to T-Pain.
Then turn off the sound and just watch the video.
Friggin' hilarious!

Anywho, I will probably be MIA most of the weekend. I'm attending an up-til-midnight scrapbooking event tonight, getting up to eat pink pancakes in the morning (I'll explain this later), and then heading to Atlanta to see the King Tut Egypt Exhibit.

Y'all have a great weekend!

Note to Self: But what I'm reeeaaally looking forward too is the possibility of hitting up a Nordstrom's shoe department. Woohoo!

Note to Idiots

2009-03-19T09:12:00.000-04:00

MEMO

TO: All mothers of girls age 7 to 17
FROM: Supreme Overlord, MJ (OK, I'll stop...)

SUBJECT: Inappropriate attire

Mothers, please be aware that clothing of your daughters should be age appropriate. This means that a t-shirt that touts “I kissed a girl, and I liked it” should not be worn by your 11-year-old, and mini skirts are not appropriate for anyone under the age of 16.

I realize that low-cut shirts are available in tween sizes, but that does not mean they should be bought. If you are not sure if a garment is too tight on your child, here is a handy hint: if they have to wear a thong with it, it is.

Another handy hint: shop in the department store section that is made for your child’s age. If they are 8, they should still be shopping in kids, not in juniors. Also try to avoid t-shirts with sexual connotations for slogans. This simply makes them a target of fantasy for nasty, old perverts.

Makeup should not be allowed on the face of an elementary schooler. They can graduate to mascara, a little powder, and lip gloss in seventh grade, and then into full makeup in highschool. It will not kill them, no matter how much they try to convince you it will.

When shopping for dance dresses for your child, try to avoid the following: low backs, low fronts, short skirts, lots of straps or holes, sparse coverage, and sheer fabrics.

The excuses, “well, it’s what she wanted” or “this is what the kids are wearing these days” are not excuses for refusing to be a parent. Neither is “I can’t control her.” Remember that, until the age of 16, you have to drive them to the mall buy it for them to have it. They have no car and no job.

If you insist on doing any of these things, please make sure you have “the talk” with your child first to stave of any “I didn’t know!”s. Also, please do not act surprised when she becomes sexually active at the age of 11. I will have no sympathy for you.

Note to Self: You laugh because you know it's true. My mom would have slapped me if I tried to walk out of the house in some of the stuff moms buy for their daughters now. Sickening.

Backwards and Upside-Down

2009-03-18T15:44:00.001-04:00

Things have been nuts today, dear readers, and I have neglected you due to other duties.

Suck it up.

Mostly, I have been dealing with crises at work and planning for an upcoming blogathon for which I will soon be asking your loyal support.

Until then, I leave you with a question:

If the government mercifully decided to give you one free-pass for murder, who would you kill?

Note to Self: The better question would be, who do you think I would kill?

Six Habits of a Highly Effective MJ

2009-03-17T09:19:00.001-04:00

If you understand that reference, I welcome you, my business savvy brother. Hazah!

Anywho…

VE tagged me for a meme today, challenging me to tell you 6 things about me or habits of mine.

I had to think long and hard about what I could possibly tell you that (1) you don’t already know AND (2) is even mildly interesting. I'm not sure how well I did, but here goes...

1. As much as I talk about and tout my fiancé being a police officer, I rarely brag about it in real life. It is easy to find support for his career on the Internet, but in real life, people just don’t like cops and generally think I’m an idiot or strange (like, side-show strange) for marrying one.

2. I envy tan people, but I fear skin cancer more. So, I slather on the sunscreen and revel in my pasty whiteness.

3. I sometimes bargain with God, If I could just KILL that person and get away with it, I would never do anything bad ever again.

4. Besides wanting to be Supreme Overlord of the Universe, I would also like to be a prima ballerina, a world renowned cellist, and a famous designer of chic petite clothes.

5. I habitually clean my diamond rings. In the shower. With my toothbrush and toothpaste. After I have just brushed my teeth. Shut up, it makes them shine!

6. If I had the money to buy a new car, I have a feeling I wouldn’t. I love my little car, and it has been through everything with me. I’ll be very sad when its doors finally fall off one day.

Note to Self: And no. I'm not tagging anyone (Please see previous Note to Idiot.), but if you would like it, take it.

If I Were Supreme Overlord of the Universe...

2009-03-16T09:29:00.004-04:00

So I've been thinking more and more about this whole "Ultimate Power" thing lately, and I thought I would give you a glimpse into what it would be like to have me as your ruler.
10. Everyone would have to wear fashionable shoes. For the men, Cole Haan dress shoes. And for the ladies, Michael Kors pumps. You must also wear your standard “I Heart MJ” t-shirt at all times.

9. Talking on your cell phone will be a new part of the driver’s test. If you cannot pass the test while talking (this includes keeping a consistent, normal speed), you will not be allowed to use a cell phone while driving, ever.

8. Facebook will be returned to its original splendor, and anyone who tries to change it again will meet a cruel and painful end.

7. At Christmas, I will receive mandatory gifts of Coach bags and homemade cookies from all of my subjects. Fruitcake will get you a one way ticket to space, where you will (1) freeze to death, (2) suffocate, and/or (3) implode.

6. Public hangings will be the most prevalent form of punishment. If you commit a minor offense, you will be hung by your toes. Minor offenses include: liking Hillary Clinton, watching The Hills, and wearing sock with sandals. Major offenses include: allowing your 15-year-old to get a tattoo, dog fighting, and being an idiot (subject to my interpretation).

5. Text messaging and the word “bling” will be outlawed. Violators will be torn limb from limb by a pack of hungry Yorkshire terriers.

4. You must complete and pass a written examination along with a fitness test, background check, and financial analysis before being allowed to procreate.

3. The final Harry Potter movies will be released all at the same time…. right now.

2. All police officers and military personnel will be under my command. They all have to have at least two years of ballet, tap, or jazz lessons to be promoted. Because I said so, that’s why.

1. Everyone but me will drive a compact car. I will drive an old military Hummer. This way, I can just run you over if you get in the way. Also, it will have rocket launchers on it - just in case you cut me off.

Dissenters will not be tolerated. Friendship bracelets will be given to those of extreme importance, such as:
Colby, Minister of Cats and Other Animals
The Grit, Talent Show Judge Extraordinaire
Dorkys, Teller of Tales
Kweenmama, Grand Poo-bah of Children
And the ladies of Police Wives Online shall be my Grand Council of Cookie Baking and Wine Consumption.

Note to Self: And all shall bow down to me! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Note to God:

2009-03-15T08:27:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

I would really appreciate it if you would start smiting people more often.

You know, just a column of fire every now and then.

Amen.

Note to Idiots

2009-03-13T08:26:00.003-04:00

Dear people with too much time on their hands,

Back in the day, you were the same people who used to forward me useless emails, urging me to forward them on to yet another unsuspecting victim. You guilted me by assuming I don't love Jesus or don't care about some pygmy tribe in Africa or some girl with butt cancer if I didn't forward your meaningless drivel on. Or you tempted me by saying some great miracle of miracles will happen or my greatest wish will come true or I will get a letter in the mail tomorrow with a billion dollar check in it. Or you scared me with threats of retardedness or death of a loved one or that I will be diagnosed with toe falling-off-itis or that I will get an anonymous phone call telling me that my shoes are ugly.

Now you are just getting lazy.

You're texting me with animated crap or tagging me in facebook notes, just expecting me to tag people and pass these on without so much as a promise for world peace. After all those years of not getting a check or my fondest wish (to rule the world), I have given up. Luckily, no one has called me to tell me that my goldfish died in some logging truck freak accident, and $3 hasn't mysteriously gone missing from my bank account. But I have salvaged about thirty minutes of my life so far, and hope to save even more in the future by ignoring you.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what you have taught me so far - that dolphins are the only other animal that have sex for fun, that my stripper name is Delicious Chocolate Chunk (Favorite Perfume/Cologne, Favorite Ice Cream), and that Microsoft is trying to kill me through my computer screen - but I just think it's time that I move on.

Your supreme overlord (*sigh*),
MJ

Note to Self: Pass this on to 37 people in the next 37 minutes, or I will personally come and eat your first born. Or the leftovers in your fridge. Whichever I think will taste better.

Birth of an Icon (and an eating disorder?)

2009-03-11T15:19:00.003-04:00

When I wasn't playing army with my brother or fighting with him over whether we should watch GI Joe or My Little Pony on t.v., I was smooshing the faces of my Barbie and Ken dolls together in simulated make-out sessions, while Midge looked on in jealous rage and inevitably murdered Ken in cold blood with the sharp end of a pencil.

(Shut up, I know I was a screwed up kid.)

The object of my endless creativity turns 50 this year.Man, she sure looks good for her age.

Barbie dolls have taken on loads of criticism since their creation. The tiny woman, with her large breasts and tiny waist is definitely not a healthy shape to aspire to. But to be honest, at the age of seven I wasn't really thinking about my hips or bust line. I was too worried about getting cooties from boys and my biggest fear was getting teased about my height or California accent.

So what is it that makes people hate this toy so much?
Let me repeat that.
What is it that makes people hate this toy so much?

As women, we are likely to blame anyone and anything for the extremely high bar that we set for ourselves physically. I think as we got older and looked back upon our childhood, we found that we didn't want to blame our friends, boyfriends, parents, or ourselves for the critical way we look at our bodies. So we said, "Barbie! It's all her fault!"

I have to say, there was not one moment in my life that I thought, Hmmm, if I were only as thin as Barbie, I would have a cute boyfriend and lots of friends and stuff. I think I'll starve myself now. Never once did I think Barbie's vacant, plastic expression was judging me and calling me an ugly fatty with no future.

I would think portraying everything from a princess to President puts this classy lady far ahead of any other girls toy or the multitude of slutty celebrities influencing our youth on the boob tube.

So thank you, Miss Roberts (yes, that's Barbie's real last name), for the endless hours of fun. I hope to have a daughter someday who can inherit my extensive collection of pink accessories that are lovingly tucked away in the attic. Happy Birthday!

Note to Self: P.S. And I'm sorry my brother used your head as a golf ball.

Tuesday Time Wasters

2009-03-10T12:01:00.000-04:00

Here are some great websites that will help you get through the monotony of your online experience. Enjoy!

Ever felt the need to be more nice? Check out this website that hands out NICE assignments and tells stories of random acts of kindness.

Are you a budding artist? Try out this online drawing application. It will let you play back the process as fast or as slow as you like.

I'm a huge advocate of requiring those on government assistance to have regular drug screenings to qualify. How about you?

Make your own superhero. Seriously.

What's wrong with these pictures? Well, for starters, they're full of crazy...

An informational article from the geniuses at Cracked.com - How NOT To Get Revenge On Your Ex.

Ever found the house of your dreams in online listings? Well, sometimes the realtor makes mistakes in posting pictures. Check these out.

Ever lost your camera, along with a whole roll of film inside? Try not to panic (unless, of course, you're naked in every picture), your pictures may show up here and you could get your camera and pictures back.

Note to Self: Yeah. I would have chosen something more bad-ass for my superhero name... but that's what it assigned me... *sigh*

Will The Real Master Chief Please Stand Up?

2009-03-09T09:33:00.004-04:00

I want to thank those of you who left nice words of condolence for me regarding my grandmother. I would like to report that the funeral was lovely, and people had nothing but wonderful things to say about my namesake. (And none of the family killed each other, which - if you know my family - that is quite a feat.) And, of course, we ended the entire event with large amounts of food.

I am now in full-blown head cold mode: coughing, sneezing, sore throat, stuffy nose, headache, and runny nose. I seriously never realized how much liquid could possibly come out of one's face until now. This past weekend, I did my best to counteract my symptoms with plenty of cough syrup, nose sprays, and ibuprofen, along with homemade chicken noodle soup and plenty of down time. It didn't help, however, that I lost a full hour of sleep to daylight savings...

Since misery loves company, my roommate and the cop are also both sick (the cop was first, so there's no blaming me!). The cop and I took a nice walk outside with the dogs on Saturday, but beyond that we didn't spend much time out of the house.

In fact, we spent most of the weekend decimating people on XBox Live playing Halo.

By the end of it, I was so tired of freaking ten-year-olds talking shit that I wanted to throw my controller at the screen. You see, some people actually have headsets that allows them to talk to other players. But really they don't use them to gain some advantage over their opponents. They pretty much just use them to annoy the snot out of everyone. You can hear them cursing with voices that haven't even changed from puberty yet. And when they forget to hit mute, you can hear them arguing with their mom about their bedtime or begging to allow their friend to spend the night.

"No mom! It's MY birthday! I wanna keep playing! Mooooooooooooooooom!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!!"

And I just imagine all the twenty-somethings online that overhear this bursting with laughter. It really just makes it that much better when you sneak up and melee them in the back of the head with your pistol or tag them in the face with a sticky grenade.

It inevitably brings on more screaming and cursing from them... and more tear-jerking laughter from me.

Note to Self: I'm just sad now that I've been spoiled by the cop having the entire week off last week. And this week, I will only see him two days. Total bummer.

Note to God:

2009-03-08T08:05:00.000-04:00

Lord,

Are you a female?

If so, is it "that time of month" for you?

Just wondering.

Amen.

Southern Style

2009-03-07T09:50:00.000-05:00

Here's a little tidbit about the South for all y'all who don't live here.

We like to eat. Seriously.

If it is considered fun here, it involves food.
Anything is solved with food.
Every emotion is celebrated or corrected with food.

Your sister died? Everyone she knew, and everyone you know is now going to bring or send you homecooked dishes - enough to feed you for the next three years. This includes everything from appetizers to desserts and every course in between.

Your boyfriend broke up with you? Not thirty seconds later, your friends will be arriving at your home to force feed you ice cream, pizza, nachos, and pigs in a blanket, while you guzzle wine, listen to Alanis Morissette, and they tell you what a douchebag he was anyway.

You got a promotion at work? Heck yes! You and your buds are celebrating with all-you-can-eat ribs and wings, while they buy you pints of Newcastle and Blue Moon and high-five you every ten minutes.

Going to a [insert sport here] game, birthday party, wedding shower, or housewarming? You can bet you won't leave hungry! And screw the little hors d'ouvres - this is fat at its finest. Barbecue is standard, along with macaroni and cheese and black-eyed peas.

Meetings and mergers are conducted over full meals, and coming home means you will have a fully belly when you walk back out the door. Events and dates are not planned around what you're doing, but where you're eating.

Here, things are cooked with a spoon full of love and a whole lotta lard. The South is where "Man, this is just like momma used to make!" is one of the highest compliments you could give to a cook.

Note to Self: This also explains why the rates of obesity rise as you drive lower in the US.

IT.

2009-03-06T08:57:00.003-05:00

The Flogging Molly concert was a total blast! Wednesday night we took the MARTA to The Tabernacle, picked up our $7 Guinness at the door, and walked onto the floor.

You see, this venue used to be a large church, but it has been turned into a concert hall - complete with balconies and the remaining organ pipes over the stage. It makes for a nice intimate space, and no matter where you sit, you have a great view. The only seats in the building were in the balcony, so anyone on the floor was left standing.

So we found our perfect spot, next to one of the three bars in the place. We enjoyed our people watching during the first opener and made it to the t-shirt booth to pick up some pins, stickers, and patches to take home. The second opener was the Aggrolites, which I highly recommend everyone check out, and they were pretty darn good. Behind us, we spotted what could only be a couple of the infamous SuicideGirls looking lovely in their 50's style and tattoo sleeves.

During Flogging Molly, we danced and sang our hearts out, drank some more beer, and used the cash we had left to hit up the t-shirt booth again for a few shirts to mark the occasion. On the way out, we spotted a few members of Aggro hanging out near us and took some pictures with them - they were really nice guys!

We got home about 1:30 in the morning after dropping by Waffle House for some early morning hashbrowns. We woke up about 7:30 to give us enough time to get ready and drive down to my grandmothers funeral. When I finally rolled out of bed, I felt it. You know - IT - That scratchy feeling in your throat that you know is going to turn into something worse, but plunge into denial and pray and pray and pray it doesn't?

I brushed it off as the result of singing my lungs out, but the feeling didn't go away as I sat through prayers at the graveside and ate lunch with my family. Surely it would go away right? I flashed back to the bare arms that I had before, during, and after the concert in the cool wind of early March.

Dangit. Now, here I sit at the office, feeling like total butt, and full-blown sickness has assaulted my head with a baseball bat.

Note to Self: Oh well, it was totally worth it.

Can I at least skip the teen years?

2009-03-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

A little thing you don't know about me - I really don't feel the call to have children. No really. I know at some point in my future life, I may awake to find the call of nature and my internal clock ticking, forcing me to go crazy and feel the need to conceive. But at this point in time I don't feel it. But you know what I do feel?

The overwhelming need to be a grandmother.

Seriously, I know that one has to come before the other, but if I could skip straight to being a granny, I would. And for the sake of time, I'm going to hop right into....

The Top 10 Reasons Being a Grandmother is Awesome

10. You get to completely corrupt kids that aren't yours.
9. You get to spoil kids that aren't yours.
8. You get to make some kids happy by filling them full of sugar and then send them home to their parents. Muahaha!
7. You can teach them things about their parents that they never knew (and that their parent didn't want them to know).
6. You get to use the kids as a captive audience for your "Well in my day..." rants.
5. The kids can watch inappropriate television, because you refuse to miss "your stories" in the afternoon.
4. You get to shower them with gifts and junk food, so that they will always like you more than their parents.
3. You can show pictures of your grandchildren to unsuspecting victims at the grocery store in order to piss of patrons behind you.
2. You can get away with farting really loud and pretending that it didn't happen.

and the number one awesome reason to be a g-ma:
1. It is totally acceptable to pay in pennies and drive super-slow when you're a grandma.

I can't wait!

Note to Self: Plus you have that whole song by Adam Sandler dedicated to you - Respect to the grandma.

If I Ever Leave This World Alive

2009-03-04T08:38:00.005-05:00

So lots of crazy things going on this week, hence the lack of posting.

Sunday afternoon, we got snow here for the first time in six years! So of course, the roomie and I had to take our pups out in it and frolic a bit. I bundled up Panther in his bomber jacket, and I put on my Columbia jacket for the first time all year, and out we went.

But it didn't take long for the little thing to get soaked to the bone and start shivering, so I bundled him up in a towel and shoved him into my jacket to warm him up.

For you non-Georgians, and especially you Northerners, you won't understand the extreme and joyful significance of snow here. Snow in Georgia means that everyone all of a sudden loses their ability to drive, but it also means that everything shuts down. My work was canceled on Monday, and I spent all day cuddled up in my jams watching movies and stuffing my face with garlic chicken and steamed rice. I couldn't even manage to change clothes to go to class. Meh.

Then yesterday, I got an early call from my mother to tell me that my grandmother, my mamaw, had passed away early in the morning. Last week, I had cried when I found out she was sick and had been placed into hospice care. And I cried when I found out she had fallen unconscious on Saturday. But yesterday, upon hearing of her death, I felt something different - a kind of peace in knowing exactly where she is right now. I always said that woman could teach Jesus a thing or two about loving the Lord!

So to celebrate, instead of going to the visitation (which she didn't want, but these things are more for the living than the dead, I suppose), I will be attending the Flogging Molly concert in Atlanta with some of my closest friends. We'll be heading back tomorrow at the crack of dawn to attend the funeral, of course.

I dedicate today's posts to my grandma (because I plan to write a few today). Her pancakes were made with love, and she converted Jehovah's Witnesses in her living room. Love you mamaw.

Note to Self:

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank you for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight
Wherever I am you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right

- Flogging Molly

Note to God:

2009-03-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

God,

Give me a sign.

Like a large deposit into my bank account.

Yeah, that would work.

Amen.

Some Services Shouldn't Be Fast

2009-02-27T08:31:00.003-05:00

I went to the dentist yesterday - the same dentist's office that I have been going to since I was seven years old - and I had the absolute worst experience EVER.

I walked in, signed in, and sat down in the waiting room with three other people. I was the first appointment of the day, and I expected to be taken back pretty quickly, since I showed up right on time. I was greeted at the door by some hyper, young twinky, instead of the usual lady, Mrs. Betty, who has been working there since the dinosaurs roamed the earth. I assumed it must be her day off, and I moved on to a cushy chair. I had the pleasure of sitting and listening to some old guy ramble on about how awful our city is these days and how crime has gotten worse because of the economy. And then the middle-aged woman sitting next to him put in her two cents by announcing that she thought that the root of the problem was taking prayer and discipline out of schools. And then some liberal-ass, college-aged kid in a polo shirt and loafers inserted that he thought the main problem with our town is that "the cops here are too worried about messing with innocent people."

Until this time, I had been quietly keeping my head down, writing checks out for my bills, and just enjoying the naivety of small town life. When I heard this, I looked up at this curly-haired kid in khakis and gave him the worst EAT SHIT look he's probably ever seen, and I said "You know, I think the REAL problem is that some people's mommas just didn't slap them enough as children." I didn't have to say another word, and the kid just stared at me in amazement, until I was (thankfully) called away.

I was greeted by... wait.... where's Emily!? You're not Emily! Who the heck are you?? *sigh* This was not my wonderful, talented, witty, conversational, kind Emily that I had known for years and who knew my life story. This was some girl named Teresa who read in her notes that I worked somewhere and was getting some degree. Great. I was truly looking forward to announcing my engagement to my favorite dental hygienist, but instead got some lady who could care less. She just said "You still getting that degree and working at that place?" Um, yeah. No other questions. No, "Hey, anything new?" No foreplay. She just went straight to poking and prodding while using my forehead as her personal armrest. I swear there was more water on my face and neck than what made it into my mouth, and she seemed to have a talent for managing to rub my spit all over my chin and cheeks. Emily would usually let me hold the little sucker thing and use it when I need it. Teresa was like the sucker Nazi. She rationed the use of it to only when I was about to drown in my own drool. She wouldn't allow me to hold it, and instead opted to lay it on my chest that she was currently using as her instrument table. I seriously thought about grabbing the thing and attacking her with it.

She worked so quickly, I was sure I would end up with a blood-filled mouth from her scraping my gums to death. Then came the polish - she didn't even bother to ask me what flavor I wanted. I know in her stupid notes it probably has that I like mint, but she could at least ask anyway! Then she starts to sit me up for the dentist to come check on me, when I realized she had forgotten to even floss my teeth! Praise Jeebus! I didn't remind her because my gums had gone through enough abuse already, and I was hoping to avoid it. But, alas, she remembered at the last moment, whipped out the floss, and shoddily ran it through some of my teeth - missing the entire bottom left side.

Finally the dentist came in, and I sighed in relief when he gave me an A-OK. I got my free toothbrush and floss and high-tailed it out of that place! What a nightmare!

Note to Self: In this note, the name Teresa is to be read with the utmost sarcasm and contempt, along with a roll of the eyes for good measure.

Putting the heat on "cool"...

2009-02-23T12:53:00.000-05:00

I remember growing up and thinking my dad was so old, especially when he would utter two specific words: far out!

Seriously dad, no one says that anymore. You're supposed to say "cool."

But how many words or phrases, past and present, do we have that mean the same thing - good?

...awesome, neato, gnarly, far out, cool, bad (as in good), the bees knees, sweet, tubular, groovy, rad, funky, hip, wicked, excellent, sick, insane, fabulous, sharp, the cat's pajamas, solid, krunk...

the list goes on and on.

And then add in the overused totally, like, and ass and you've got some phrases that will blow your socks off.

But cool is definitely the standard. Every generation has used cool with their own inflections and feelings to the point that it's not really used for its original purpose anymore. (Except by my mother who is insisting, "It's getting cool out, y'all should come over for some chili!")

And now with the addition of l33t speak and texting culture, kids are even more lazy in the choice of their phrases. Instead of the standard ohmygod, ohmygosh, or ohgollygee - they are lazily rolling oh-em-gee! off their tongues. And the more they fall into the texting fad, the further they fall behind in typing, spelling, and for-God-sake grammar -

wut r u up 2?
not 2 much, wutr u doin?
nm. hear bout kc w/ tj?
omg, srsly?!
kc sucha ho.
fo sho.
k, gone 2 wrk. c u l8er?
kewl. ttyl.

Whatever happened to "Hey, how is your day? What's up?" Does it really take that much longer to type out?

Maybe I am just getting old and, therefore, cynical about the younger generation - just as every generation before me has done. Next thing you know I'll be starting my rants with "Well in my day..." and regaling my kids with stories about how gas was once less than a dollar, people were nice to each other, and there was no such thing as cell phones.

Note to Self: And then I'll scream "GET OFF MY LAWN!"

Note to God:

2009-02-22T08:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord,

I realize you will not make life harder than I can bear.

But you really must think me an overachiever!

Amen.